Tuesday, January 4, 2011

One of My Biggest Mistakes of 2010

Last year I made the mistake of going to the grocery store late morning on Senior Citizen's day (1st Weds of every month).

I didn't get to the store until 10:30 due to a pukey girl at home.  OMG! I will NEVER EVER do THAT AGAIN!  I barely found a parking spot. Had to park a mile away.  Ok, no biggy, I'm thinking 'I'm not technically a senior & they should park closer plus the savings I can make today is certainly worth a little walk since I am cheating & using my husband's senior VIP card.
My normal silver headed greeter said his usual "how ya doing" thing and then says "You're surely not a senior." So I explained that my husband was blah blah blah & that I would be soon.  Again, no biggy & sort of sweet.  Well...then I started my shopping.  Holy shit. The store was PACKED! 

The first thing I go for is chap stick & see right out of the gate the "stalled out shoppers".  BAM! Carts & scooters & people separated from their carts & scooters everywhere just frozen in place in the middle of main aisles consulting lists or studying shit on the shelves. It felt like I was in a science fiction movie with "FREEZE GUNS!"  I'm thinking 'Oh man this shopping trip is going to take me all day!
I proceed to get my dairy stuff & paper items & head to the meat section.  Good God, I think I had a small anxiety attack.  I have NEVER seen that many people crunched up in a grocery store in my life.  I go ahead & get in LINE to get my freaking hamburger (taco night in Hambyland) and a woman in her 30's kind of blocked me accidentally, but immediately says "Oh I am so sorry" and under her breath says "I forgot it was the 1st Weds. of the month."  Of course I couldn't reply to that since I am a senior citizen cheater, so I just shook my head & said "No worries" while pondering Pizza Hut for dinner. 

I get  my stuff & then notice a large frenzy of people around the END of the meat section and I immediately KNEW that it must be some awesome kick ass deal over THERE! Well, it turns out that it was "buy one get one free ROAST day"  Well I decided that TODAY I was going to get us some roasts even if I had to wait an hour because I had heard of these mystical buy one get one roast days, but thought they were legends.


So I get in line AGAIN.  You couldn't even see the roasts in the separate special holy grail of meat bins.  It was just a solid mass of old people with wrinkled brows & flying arms that took FOREVER inspecting each & every single roast while trying to choose their 2.

   
Finally a slot to the feeding trough opened, so I simply turned my head to move my cart out of the way & I SWEAR an old lady freaking CUT right in front of me & started pilfering like a shark in a chum pool!  She looked me dead in the eyes like I was some sort of undeserving interloper. 
I was SHOCKED!  I almost said something, but my senior guilt prevented it since I was shopping on my husband's card etc.
  
I finally got in & just grabbed the 1st two roasts that I could before the old people decided to eat me.  Of course everyone in line shot me the evil eye like I had just found Publisher's Clearing House checks or Liberty Medical coupons buried in that shit.  I only took their crappy roast backwash , but they were just sure I had found the best ones!!!  I am NOT kidding, every single head turned to look at what I had just picked up...sheesh.

I get to the spice & baking aisle, which always cracks me up because it's the smallest aisle in the entire store, which on Senior Day is AWESOME-not stereo typing, but old people LOVE the baking aisle (ok I am stereo typing).  But I had to get some taco seasoning (taco night remember).  It was jammed packed with the freeze gun people AGAIN! DAMNIT!   I turned to a woman near an abandoned ghost cart & she says "I don't even know who THIS cart belongs to."  I just moved that fucker myself.  Didn't say a word. 

The last item I needed was a deli sandwich because Addie (sick girl at home) had asked for one.  Again, crowded &  blocked up frozen people contemplating the price per pound for cole slaw & 3 bean salad or some shit blah blah blah.  I get to the pre-made sandwich section & admittedly at this point I am clearly off my game, so I made the stupid mistake of bending down & turning my back on my shopping cart to pick up Addie's sick girl sandwich and RIGHT then an old woman taps me on the shoulder & says "You better watch your purse HONEY or someone will steal it."  OMG! Are you fucking kidding me?  Mentally I started  screaming "GO TO HELL!   I just came from the ROAST PIT! Worry about your OWN god damned purse WOMAN! And where do they keep the fucking FREEZE GUNS?"   She meant no harm...but shit! I simply said "thank you" but I pretty much hate her guts & secretly hoped the adult diaper aisle was blocked with "caution wet floor" signs & abandoned scooters.  (I know, burning in hell for that).


I eventually made it to the check out lines.  They of course were packed 5 -6 people deep in EVERY single one. I just relaxed, took a deep breath & reached around some frozen people in line & got a bottle of water without saying "excuse me" & drank it while waiting. 

2 comments:

the Georgiades family said...

Tam Ham, I L-O-V-E-D this!!!! You really should copyright the phrase "crappy roast backwash" before some band steals it - wouldn't that be a GREAT band name??!! lol
THANK YOU for the laugh! 'Twas just what the doctor ordered..
I'll be keeping my eyes peeled for more of your entries..

Bless My Bitchy Heart said...

Hahaha! A BAND NAME! Cool!