Saturday, September 17, 2011

Proper *&#@* Profanities

Few things crack me up as much as the misuse of profanities.  Please leave this blog now if you are easily offended.
I come from a long line of prestigious profanity kings & queens. Yes I am proud of this so please forgive my snobbery concerning improper profanities.  It makes me cringe, like open mouth chewing, public nose picking or not placing your napkin on your lap.

Yes, I am old school and still believe in the ART of profanities.

Below are a few of my pet peeves:

“What the shit?”  No no no no. This. Does. Not. Work.  It’s hell or fuck.   Not poop or crap or any variation. 

“She is such a dumb mother fucker”.  Ummmmm-NO.  I feel embarrassed when I hear this.  Gender pronouns are crucial with this or the effect is just wrecked.  Please study harder Myles. Profanity royalty is a privilege not a right. 

I do have some exceptions I have made over the years.  I  have an open mind & try to keep up with trends.   For instance, I can now easily call a guy a bitch.  “Quit being a little bitch” is sometimes perfect.  

I love the irony of how profanities are so geared toward men.  For instance, you can call a man a PUSSY and you can call a man a DICK.  But you cannot call a girl either of those or you are just a dumb ass. 

Although not a cuss word, I am not fond of the word "DUDE" when referring to a girl.  I know, I know, it's widely used now for girls.  But it still bugs me. All of my sons have affectionately called me dude from time to time.  “Chicken friend steak tonight? Oh hell YES DUDE!”    

I always just hug em tightly for their sweet enthusiasm & whisper “Ahhhh, thanks! You can do the dishes bitches.”

Please tell me YOUR favorite misuse of profanities!