Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Free "Be Good Shit"

Yay! Summer is finally here!  #2’s high school grad went well after a few glitches. Yes he’s decorated! (Good job son & good luck at UA!)

#3’s (soph) last day of high school was the same day as hs graduation. He had a required field trip to the main campus at his alternative school.  (Yes, alternative school, he is catching up on credits & one of the best decisions we ever made for him & think he may graduate early.)

While his grandmother (my mom) & I were sitting out back & asking how his last day of school & field trip went he says: “It went really well, better than I thought it would be actually. And they gave all of us a bunch of BE GOOD SHIT.” Then dumps out the below be good shit onto the patio table.

Fortunately my mom is very open minded and didn’t miss a beat.  UNfortunately, I asked if the little tubes were tooth paste (I had my contact lenses in & couldn’t read the labels).   

Thank you alternative school.  So glad you have my kid’s back.

In summary: A good school year. #1 will be a Jr at UA with an academic scholarship in physics.  # 2 received an academic scholarship to UA for ecology & evolutionary bio, #4 was on 7th grade honor roll & # 3 got condoms & lube.  What more could a mom ask for?

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Calm Down While I Patronize You (Boys vs. Girls)

Couple weeks ago:

Me:  Addie, I want you to clean your room today.

A week later:

Me:  In my sweet voice- Addie, Will you please clean your room, we worked REALLY hard on it a couple weeks ago & it’s getting trashy again.

Another week later:

Me:  Come on Ad puke on the syrup in my voice, I really think you should clean your room, it’s getting SO narl.
Addie:  I know, I know, just CALM DOWN!


Me:  Blake & Myles I need you to come down stairs.
Blake:  What? You have a chore?
Me: Yep, a shitty one.
Myles:  What? Do we have to clean dog shit in the back yard? Yeah that once a year chore when your dad’s out of town you poor things.

Me:  Yep, here are your gloves & bags. 

Blake:  Ok      ♫ Awesome!♪
Myles: Ok      ♫ Awesome ♪

5 minutes later:

Myles:  You could have had us come out when it was still day light. Awe you sweet thing.

Me:  Oh honey, that’s no fun!  Consider it an Easter egg hunt in the dark….Wow! Look at that, you just found a treasure trove! GOOD EYE!

Blake: sigh, good try mom, this still sucks, but we love you.

Earlier today I saw a stranger mom at the grocery with her baby in their over flowing cart along with her teen aged 14 ish daughter. She asked the daughter to grab some bologna. The teenager grabbed some random lunchables & string cheese instead.  The mom told her to put it back & guess what the daughter said….yep you guessed it……”Okay! CALM DOWN MOM!”

I punched that brat in the back of the head & told her clean her room and her mom totally high fived me.  Ok, that high 5 part was imaginary, but she made that understanding eye contact with me. She knew I had her back. 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Proper *&#@* Profanities

Few things crack me up as much as the misuse of profanities.  Please leave this blog now if you are easily offended.
I come from a long line of prestigious profanity kings & queens. Yes I am proud of this so please forgive my snobbery concerning improper profanities.  It makes me cringe, like open mouth chewing, public nose picking or not placing your napkin on your lap.

Yes, I am old school and still believe in the ART of profanities.

Below are a few of my pet peeves:

“What the shit?”  No no no no. This. Does. Not. Work.  It’s hell or fuck.   Not poop or crap or any variation. 

“She is such a dumb mother fucker”.  Ummmmm-NO.  I feel embarrassed when I hear this.  Gender pronouns are crucial with this or the effect is just wrecked.  Please study harder Myles. Profanity royalty is a privilege not a right. 

I do have some exceptions I have made over the years.  I  have an open mind & try to keep up with trends.   For instance, I can now easily call a guy a bitch.  “Quit being a little bitch” is sometimes perfect.  

I love the irony of how profanities are so geared toward men.  For instance, you can call a man a PUSSY and you can call a man a DICK.  But you cannot call a girl either of those or you are just a dumb ass. 

Although not a cuss word, I am not fond of the word "DUDE" when referring to a girl.  I know, I know, it's widely used now for girls.  But it still bugs me. All of my sons have affectionately called me dude from time to time.  “Chicken friend steak tonight? Oh hell YES DUDE!”    

I always just hug em tightly for their sweet enthusiasm & whisper “Ahhhh, thanks! You can do the dishes bitches.”

Please tell me YOUR favorite misuse of profanities! 


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Hillbillies and Death

Tonight we had another frenetic conversation in my house.  We all fight for talk time around here.  So it’s more like a verbal sword fight than family conversation. 

Myles my youngest son (15):  Mom I’ve never been to Arkansas!? Blake says I’ve been to Arkansas.

Hubster:  Yes you have hillbilly boy! That’s where you were born!  I’m sorry, didn’t you know that?  It was a really nice shed with a clean mattress….  

Me: SHUT the hell up John GAWL!   Yes you’ve been to Arkansas Myles. We went to that cave where you guys got those cool $25.00 hats. I think you were around 3 ½.  It was that trip that you almost drown in the hotel pool in Shell Knob, Mo because your dad & grandma were chatting up the hotel manager while I was taking care of your infant sister. I had to jump in the pool fully clothed to grab you…don’t you remember that?  And aren’t I a bad ass super hero mom?  

Myles:  What?  Shit! Just how many times have I almost died?  

Below is a random pic of shed born hillbilly boy.

Me:  Well, honestly, I’ve lost count.  But you & all of your siblings have almost died if you want to look at it that way.  Lots of dodged bullets & spooky stuff, but I like to think that you all are lucky; you in particular.  Surviving that whole hit by a car dealio while riding your bike was pretty awesome don’t cha think?  Oh and living through that Swine Flu, I mean H1N1 shit a couple years ago was pretty awesome. 

And last year you totally dumped that cougar that was rumored to have the herps right before you got too involved with her.  Ok, that wasn’t almost death, but it would have been death to your social life for ummm I dunno, FOREVER!  By the way, you still need to thank your older bro for that tip.  Suck it up buttercup!  You’re tough! You're Neo or Odysseus or some super tough shit that runs on my side of the family you bad ass mofo.

Another random pic of bullet dodger boy below.

My youngest son is my Macaulay Culkin, & fills me with angst most days.  However, he is also my muse & is responsible for one of my most memorable quotes, shortly before this photograph was taken-

"Tell Papa to get out of that box and take me fishin"- Myles Hamby  While in the hubster's arms at my dad's funeral and the only time I have ever seen tears on my husband's face. 


Sunday, August 21, 2011

Skinny Jeans and Misunderstandings

Free Advice:

When an angry stranger mom & dad come marching down the side walk at 7 am on a Sunday & ask “Do you know where your son was last night?”  The WRONG answer is “Yes, he spent the night with his buddy so & so.” 

The RIGHT response is: “No because I don’t have a son. What? You caught someone that looks like us in your daughter’s locked bedroom this morning? Well that’s just weird.  But, if I did have a son that you saw pulling up his pants, it’s probably because he wears super low skinny jeans & is always pulling up his pants. Bye bye, have a nice day. Hope you find that bad boy. We’ll be on the look out. We certainly don't want the neighborhood going to shit."

My imaginary son is SO grounded!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Good, Shitty and Shitty

It's all about balance.

Below are a few of my recent balancing acts.

Shitty:  Myles’ had a sleep over & he & his buddies stole a ½ bottle of Vermouth out of the pantry & were stupid enough to leave it in a back pack on the floor of his bedroom.
Good:  I don’t know that many people who are Vermouth drunks.
Shitty:  Did I mention they left it on the floor in a back pack?  Yeah, thinking special ed. I will be hiding our mouth wash & shaving cream in the future.

Shitty:  My daughter started her first, I can’t even type it, but her first little monthly friend arrived. She thought she had vuh jay cancer because it wasn’t as she had imagined and she was acting all embarrassed….REALLY?  We don’t do “Embarrassed” in our house girl!
Good:  It started BEFORE the school year started (can I possibly use the word started again? And YES she gave me blogging privileges. I don’t suck THAT bad.)
Good Again:  She bragged to Vermouth Thieves that she started her…(can’t type it) & gave the Rock n Roll hand sign. Have I mentioned that there is NO shame in our house?

Shitty:  3 am the other night my 2nd son wakes me with this-“Mom, I’m really sorry to wake you up, but I’m kind of freaking out because I have this bump on my butt & I’m pretty sure it’s anal cancer”. WTF is up with this cancer shit?  Bye bye cool dream land arrow dude with pointy ears from Lord of the Rings...shit! (Yes, I have blogging rights-quit thinking I suck).  Me: Wow, what’s up? Let me take a look. Don’t freak out Tam, shake off mental pictures of baseball sized black tumors on your sweet child’s butt.
Good:  Pretty sure it’s an ingrown, or possibly a butt cheek zit & 2nd son seems relieved.

Shitty & Good: Yesterday at the pharmacy while picking up our 10th Rx for Vermouth boy’s eczema, a GIGANTIC lady of about 60 behind me in line yelled “AHEM! HURRY UP!” while I was putting my debit card back into my purse.  It was SO funny to me!  I’m a get in & get out kind of girl while shopping.  I treat it like a mission.  Not a social event. In fact, I always think about the people behind me in line & rush in order not to offend.  

 I admit when I turned around & saw all of her 9 foot 400 lb glory, I was kind of shocked.  But I realized instantly that I could totally take her grouchy crippled ass (and her midget, I mean little person hubster), so I just shot her with my mean- kid cancer, booze stealing, period starting MOM eyeball lasers & she ran away crying like a little bitch-ok I made that crying part up. 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Confessions of a Color Mixer

If you’re a dude-hit the road, well unless you're a cross dresser, cross gender, tranny, scene, emo, metro sexual, freaky snorker....-shit never mind. Just stay.

Anyhoo there is a true disorder I have invented discovered called NPMD- Nail Polish Mixing Disorder and I have it. My apologies if that acronym has already been used- sue me you “Non-psychotic major depressive disorder” and “National Park Mineral Development” freaks.

I know everyone has their nails DID now days, but I am one of those weirdos that still grows & takes care of my own.  I guess I lucked out & got good nail growing genes that I would gladly trade for the big boob gene & I like the attention I get when people say “WOW are those your REAL nails?  Ummm No, that’s just skanky. What kind of loser would grow their OWN nails, not to mention take care of them? Isn’t that shit illegal now? Guess I’m just an adrenaline junkie. Time to hit the road snorkers. Go find a Sharpie or spray paint blog.

My problem lies with never being satisfied with the nail polish I buy.  Yes, I’m happy the FIRST time I use it.  But after that, I have to modify it.  Whether it comes from the grocery store or the beauty supply store @ $10 a bottle, I ALWAYS believe that I can CREATE a better color. Below is part of my laboratory. I keep my other hoard specimens in my dressing table drawers. 

So the next thing you know, I am mixing several colors together.  Often I end up with the exact same color of several bottles that I already own and sometimes I find that there are incompatible compounds that create a weird sort of pretty goo. But as most artists know, it often takes many failures before you create a masterpiece.  Just ask that melty clock dude.

Sometimes I’m SO close to my perfect color, but it lacks the right sparkle or could be a bit darker or lighter, but the bottle is overflowing with my concoction and I have to pour some out, or start all over. Fortunately, it's a victimless addiction (except my bathroom vanity & hand towels, but that's chump change in my eyes while chasing the perfect nail polish shade dragon).

Tell me the below color is not the perfect shade of magenta to go with a new aubergine dress & silver sandals I bought the other day (yes I said aubergine, bite me!).

In any event, you are probably asking why I am discussing my embarrassing disorder openly?  Well, simply stated, it's  because all creatures in nature try to seek out their own.  Please hit me up if you have this same disorder (or a similar disorder).  I’m thinking of starting a support group. But snorkers not allowed. Go find your oven spay & model glue crew.