Monday, January 24, 2011

I'm a Stalker

 I have recently become a FB stalker.  I’m not proud of it, but I am trying to own my faults these days, which include hyper sensitivity to open mouth chewing and shoe shuffling sounds.   

Anyway, I have become a full on Facebook stalker of my children.  Yes, I have them all programmed into my phone so that I can see their ridiculous status updates, which include things like:

" I’m bored, text me. My life sucks.” AW poor thing, I notice your posting that from your brand new laptop you ingrate.   “My plans are fucked. I want to start a band, anyone want to join me?” Hehehe for reals playuh?  “Every one cries rivers, but I will make you cry an ocean.” Seriously? You’ve been to the ocean like once. Call me, my number is ***-***” (posted on wall @ 11 pm on a school night).

My new faves are my daughter’s: “TOOODAY IS SOOOOO BORING!” Clean your fucking room, that will UN-bored you!! Tomorrow’s my birthday, call me, my number is ***-**** “ Come ON!  “You’ve been a bad girl, a very very bad girl” You SUCK Lady Gaga! But the BEST of the BEST are the awesome little Facebook Quizzes.  They are SO enlightening. I now know that my 12 year old daughter is a purple eyed bong smoking secret bi-sexual ninja that will have her first child when she is 18 & has a ghost named “Emma” that follows her.  AWESOME!

I have found that there are 5 stages to the Facebook Parent Stalking:
1.  (Beginners) Run immediately to the offending kids’ room & ask if he/ she is in crisis? Drug Problem? Contemplating suicide?  etc.
2. (Damage Control) Call friends & co-workers to make excuses & apologize.
3. (Seasoned Stalkers) Post snarky comebacks on your kid's page, i.e. "I just don’t know what I am going to do anymore.” Gets a big fat “How ‘bout your fucking homework pal” in an attempt to embarrass kid into submission.
4.  Roll eyes, hide posts.
5.  (Truly enlightened 5th stage parent stalkers) DE-FRIEND-out of sight out of mind I SAY!

Thank you Addie Bird for tagging me twice in your awesome FB Lady Gaga posters! I love you even though your FB anime character is Eclipsetar/ruler of hell & that you will make me a grandma in 5 years with a child named "October"  I'm hoping it will have purple eyes too. xoxox


Blake Hamby said...

The point of statuses isnt to make people feel sorry for you silly Myles. It's to FORCE them to care about your little life as if it's DaVinci Code :3

also i've seen a few of your "do your homework" things....I usually don't see them till after i finish it though :D

true post (thumbs up it....or funny it or some shit):D

Earth_Mommy said...

I have read the status, then gone into her room and make her delete it. lol She has de-friended ME twice lol