I have recently become a FB stalker. I’m not proud of it, but I am trying to own my faults these days, which include hyper sensitivity to open mouth chewing and shoe shuffling sounds.
Anyway, I have become a full on Facebook stalker of my children. Yes, I have them all programmed into my phone so that I can see their ridiculous status updates, which include things like:
" I’m bored, text me. My life sucks.” AW poor thing, I notice your posting that from your brand new laptop you ingrate. “My plans are fucked. I want to start a band, anyone want to join me?” Hehehe for reals playuh? “Every one cries rivers, but I will make you cry an ocean.” Seriously? You’ve been to the ocean like once. “Call me, my number is ***-***” (posted on wall @ 11 pm on a school night).
My new faves are my daughter’s: “TOOODAY IS SOOOOO BORING!” Clean your fucking room, that will UN-bored you!! “Tomorrow’s my birthday, call me, my number is ***-**** “ Come ON! “You’ve been a bad girl, a very very bad girl” You SUCK Lady Gaga! But the BEST of the BEST are the awesome little Facebook Quizzes. They are SO enlightening. I now know that my 12 year old daughter is a purple eyed bong smoking secret bi-sexual ninja that will have her first child when she is 18 & has a ghost named “Emma” that follows her. AWESOME!
I have found that there are 5 stages to the Facebook Parent Stalking:
1. (Beginners) Run immediately to the offending kids’ room & ask if he/ she is in crisis? Drug Problem? Contemplating suicide? etc.
2. (Damage Control) Call friends & co-workers to make excuses & apologize.
3. (Seasoned Stalkers) Post snarky comebacks on your kid's page, i.e. "I just don’t know what I am going to do anymore.” Gets a big fat “How ‘bout your fucking homework pal” in an attempt to embarrass kid into submission.
4. Roll eyes, hide posts.
5. (Truly enlightened 5th stage parent stalkers) DE-FRIEND-out of sight out of mind I SAY!
Thank you Addie Bird for tagging me twice in your awesome FB Lady Gaga posters! I love you even though your FB anime character is Eclipsetar/ruler of hell & that you will make me a grandma in 5 years with a child named "October" I'm hoping it will have purple eyes too. xoxox