Monday, June 27, 2011

115 Degrees and Other Lessons

So it’s 115° in Tucson today.

(yup, that's my back porch)

Below is what the local news told us today regarding the Heat Advisory:

Wear light clothing.  Wheew that was a close one! Thank YOU! I almost wore a coat & mittens today.

Drink plenty of fluids. Again, thank you! It is SO hard to remember the whole fluids thing when you catch on fire while walking to the mailbox.

Stay out of the sun.  Hehehe. Excellent advice, what would I do without it?

Wear sunscreen.  I had something else in mind, but mkay.

Unrelated, but another lesson learned today.  ALWAYS read the description very closely before you splurge and buy your yellow/gold Labrador pup a really nice subtle colored leather collar online to match her fur that costs more than you would pay for a belt.  Gold can have different meanings.

Christy the gangstuh, is now actively seeking a record deal or at the very least a high end street corner or Christmas tree to adorn. She's such a hooch. Kinda worried that her new collar might fall under the AZ out door fire ban.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Keep Up or Shut Up

Below is the frenetic dinner conversation among my family tonight:

Addie:  You have really pretty eyes Myles.
Myles: Thanks.
Blake: When people say that, they are referring to blue eyes.
Alex:  Is that a REAL thing or an observation?
Blake: Think I read it, but it’s definitely an observation.
Addie:  Did you know that people with brown hair & blue eyes are mutants?
Alex, Blake, Myles & Drea: WHAT?
Me:  WHAAAT? Like Megan Fox?  Really? Did you know that Megan Fox got totally canned from Transformers?  

Alex:  Yeah, I saw a little something about her using her cell phone during production.  Was that it?
Me:  Actually, she has said some disrespectful anti Semitic stuff. like: Steve runs his set like Hitler. Plus I heard she was a mutant
Alex:  Shit, she HAS to be a full on mutant.  What kind of idiot would say that?  Doesn’t’ Steven Spielberg rule the universe?
Me:  Yep, but she does have really pretty blue eyes.
Addie:  Seriously, I read that if you have brown hair and blue eyes, you are a mutant.

Me:  Wow, like male calico cats or something? Oh, hey twice since we have moved here I have told two girls that they have really pretty eyes.  They were those really cool aqua icy eyes.

Once at the grocery & once at the gas station.  Gas station girl told me that she had heard that her dad had the same kind of eyes and thanked me Eeek, sorry gas station girl. Grocery store girl looked at me like I was going to kiss her on the lips and try to unhook her bra right there while paying for our hot pockets and bacon.

Alex: I love breakfast for dinner. This bacon is perfect.
Me:  Wow, thanks!  I suck at cooking bacon and the house will smell like bacon for a week you know.
Alex:  That’s a GOOD thing.
Me: Yep, everything is better with bacon huh? You know what kind of eyes I REALLY love?  Those cool coppery yellow eyes! Those are so awesome! Like Detective Tutuola on Law & Order SVU.

Drea: Nods in understanding.
Alex:  Hmmmm, Welch’s jelly or Smucker’s jam for my toast?
Blake:  I like the ease of jam, but the texture of jelly.
Me: I KNOW right? What do you guys think of preserves?
Alex: I love preserves, all those chunks and seeds, especially with strawberry.
Me:  Yeah, those chunks and seeds bother me a bit.
Myles:  Silent chewing.
John: Silent chewing.
Drea: Silent chewing
Addie:  I’m serious, it you have blue eyes and brown hair, you are a mutant. 

Thank you Loreal Golden Blond in a box. I  would DIE if my 12 year old daughter knew I was a mutant. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Racism & the Alphabet

Why does the phrase “Reverse Racism” exist?   

Webster’s definition of Racism: a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.

I put it in the same category as silent “e” or dumb ass soft & hard  “c” instead of “S” or  “K”.  Could we be ANY more redundant?  “Q”   Sheesh what a stupid letter.  KW works just as well loser Q…just go away and take your RI tard of a cousin "CK" with you !  (Well except for Eriq with a Q, that’s kinda cool).   Or EE vs. EA.  Double OO or long U.  And what the hell is up with the letter Y?  I am a “Y” racist.  Sorry.  But you SUCK letter “Y”.  Make up your fucking mynd you weirdo!   And by the way you have competition that is WAY cooler than you.  I like to call her “I” pronounced: “eye” (awesome).  I could go on & with this nonsense. 


Anyhoo, my point is that redundancy is Stooopid.  Racism is racism.  And the letter “Q” is  ree dickqu lus as well as all those other letters.  Go away  you losers, whether you stand alone, have to be reversed or have some sort of bullshit in front or behind you in order to function.. 

Monday, June 20, 2011

New Nasty Words & Phrases Today

Lung Chili:  What happens when you choke & or cough while eating chili cheese fries.  How to use in a sentence:  “Mom, can you please hand me that dish rag to clean up this Lung Chili?”  

Snescara: (Snee scare uh): The results of an unexpected sneeze RIGHT after (or while) you put your mascara on. How to use in a sentence: “Son of a bitch, I just had a snescara, now I have to start ALL over, damnit!”

Shuke:  (shooooook) The unidentifiable blob of goo on the carpet when you have a new puppy that could be either puppy SHIT or puppy PUKE.  How to use in a sentence: “Oh my GAWD Mom! I just stepped in some effing shuke!      No image required-please use your imagination.

Soldster: (saw ster) What happens when you step on a soldering iron while barefoot. How to use in a sentence:  "Mom, do you have any tiny scissors so I can groom my soldster?"

The above image is real, think I might just shuke.
Love you Hamblings.  Thanks for the funnies today!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Teeny Tiny Girls & Old Ladies

Sometimes you have a really gigantic aha moment.  It may even come in a most unexpected place such as a teeny tiny girl with a flower tattoo on her foot that asks a few simple poignant questions about motherhood

I’ve been a mom for close to 19 years.  Almost longer, but my first experience with motherhood was a miscarriage.  Oh, I know…eeew ick. What a shitty thing to blog about.

Anyhoo, In my 19 years of parenting I have experienced the following scary things:

  1. Day one-heart defect (just mitral valve prolapse, but still shitty for a brand new mom, esp when a friend of a friend had recently lost a baby with at heart problem)
  2. 9 months, 1st born dislocated elbow by husband who leaned over our son not noticing the baby arm in between the couch cushions.  Hubster DID however notice the sound similar to a car backfire followed by baby screams. (We still seldom speak of this, the Hubbs ages 5 years min. every time we do-parent guilt sux).
  3. BHS-1st born, (around 9 mos probably from the whole arm dealiio).  That is AWESOME!  Seeing your kid cry so hard he becomes silent, stops breathing, turns bluish & right before passing out, remembers to breath.  Fun times for a new mom.
  4. 2nd born colic
  5. 2nd born pneumonia at age 2 (requiring 2 ER trips since our dr at the time thought he just had a virus)
  6. 2nd born diagnosed with “Profound Speech Delays” at age 3, requiring 2 yrs of therapy.
  7. Mommy hemorrhage 1 week after the birth of 3rd born. (older bro still in dipes & on a bottle, newborn strictly on the boob, oldest bro still managing his pull ups & mommy in complete denial because she has boys to freaking feed, hadn’t shaved her legs in over a week & going under general for the stupid hemorrhage dealie just wasn’t a good option).
  8. 3rd born admitted for “maybe meningitis” at 7 weeks ...that is freaking awesome seeing a new born get a spinal tap. 
  9. 3rd born admitted for 4 days with rotavirus at 12 mos old.
  10. 4th born “maybe brain tumor” at 9 mos.  As well as “Wilsons Disease”, “Addison’s Disease” and epilepsy. (The Addison’s disease possibility was so weird since her name is Addison). 
  11. 1st day of kindergarten for 4th born after moving to Tucson from KS 3 weeks earlier, took full on header on the tile.  ER trip, cat scan, concussion, puking up blue marshmallows all night. All 4 kids missed their 2nd day of school in our NEW city. I swear it took them all year to recover from missing day 2 of school.
  12. 3rd born, approximately 5 mos after moving to Tucson got hit by a car while riding his bike at age 9.  It was the evening of our 1st Thanksgiving in Tucson.  If you ever wonder what the worst words a mother can hear, I can tell you 8 of  them:  “Tamara! Myles (insert your kid’s name) just got hit by a car!” yelled through the window preceded by OMG’S and running foot sounds.

All of the above things worked out just fine.  My kids are healthy, smart and well functioning kids. No disorders, no disabilities etc.  I think they are happy and I know they make me proud every day in some way. They aren't in wheel chairs or impaired.  In fact Breath holding heart defect boy graduated HS a year early & is at UA on an academic scholarship. Colic boy is honor roll every time in hs.  "Maybe meningitis bike fail boy" has more friends & muscles than I can count and "maybe brain tumor girl" is honor roll every time & smart beyond her 12 years.

 I’ve lost a lot of sleep over the years and still have a few bad dreams about the above scary things that happened to my kids and have often wondered what the hell it was all about.   

BUT my aha moment came after all these years when a teeny tiny girl with a flower tattoo on her foot asked me a buncha’ questions or made comments like “Why are you so accepting?”  “You are so supportive of your kids, you never make them feel bad blah blah blah."  I had never thought of myself in that way until someone else shined a light on it; like pondering air or something. *click click click* Who does that unless it’s gone?

That’s when it ALL clicked for me!  Like the last piece of a puzzle, or that last number on your locker combination.  All those scary things that made me (& my husband on occasion) cry or scare us to death regarding our kids is WHY we feel the way we do about them.  It’s not a matter of how perfect they are or what they accomplish (however, we think they are brilliant, funny, well mannered, & beautiful just sayin’).  We are just so damned grateful for every breath they take.  Each day they are alive, is a day worth celebrating for us.  We’ve been close enough to KNOW this with each one.  All those bent knee prayers begging for mercy, understanding, strength & knowledge suddenly fell perfectly into place….DUH. 

Not to be too sappy.  My kids have certainly thrown us a few curve balls over the years and challenged the shit out of us.  But to look at all the bullets we have dodged over the years, I will take a curve ball straight to the face ANY day compared to the alternatives.

Free Advice:  Always listen. Always be open minded & willing if not eager to learn no matter your age.  I got an answer to a question today that has haunted me for almost 20 years, simply by listening to a teeny tiny brilliant little girl with a flower tattoo on her foot. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

One Sided Conversations Require Defibrillators

I recently learned that hearing a one sided conversation is a BAD thing for a mom.

Below is what I heard this evening from one of my son’s friends while he was talking on his phone in my family room.

Friend:  Dude, you are SO NASTY!
Insert own idea
Friend: What? Seriously dude? You are disgusting! You are really doing that?
Insert own idea
Friend:  Ok, well when you’re done, clean yourself up and come over to Myles’ house.

Me: Oh HELL NO! You tell Nasty Boy NOT to EVER come over to Myles’ house!

Friend:  (*Pause) -Oh no no (friend et al laughter) it’s not what you think Mrs Hamby (friend laughter) that was just so & so & he said his dad made him help in the yard and he was burning up & sweating his ass off   and hadn’t had a shower in 2 days. 

Me:  OH, okay, I knew that. 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Non Funny Bitchies

Not much original funny in my head recently, so I will just quote copy my favorite funny things from the last few weeks.  

“Would you let me have a pet unicorn if it pooped magic cupcakes?”  -daughter  anonymous.  Ummm , Hell YES! Right after I sued Timothy Leary for paternity & child support.

“Well mom, since I just got my license 6 months ago, I don’t really feel like getting a job this summer.”  Mmmmkay, If I didn’t love you so much & you didn't make me so damned proud everyday, I would totally re-home your ass to a refrigerator box behind Wal-Mart.son, anonymous.

“I have something that Shakespeare NEVER had – Penicillin” – Bo Burnham

“I hate cheese”.  WTF? Who hates cheese?  That’s why I get out of bed in the morning…sheesh.  -Couple of anonymous people in the last few weeks.

“Laughter is the best medicine, except …medicine”  -Bo Burnham again (sorry, I can’t get enough of him).

“Naw, their just pubes, you like it?"   Shit YES I like it you manly man! After asking my oldest son about a 2 day old beard. -Anonymous.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Bitchadoodles short & sweet math

How to spot weakness in a room.

First:  The loudest person in the room =  the weakest one in the room.

Second:  The One Upper person in the room = another weak one in the room.

Third:  The most angry person in the room = weak weak weak.

Fourth:  The long explanation person = insecure weakness.

Fifth:  The  Braggart, well, If you have to advertise how awesome you are, then you're ummmm, oh yeah, WEAK!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Stripper Down!

Sorry, gotcha with that title I bet. (I'm a trashy redneck).  Heads up, if you don’t like mommy blogs, depart now.

As a courtesy to my nephew who is going to be spending a few days with us, I decided to clean my boys’ bathroom today (after several requests bitch fits to the dirty boys to clean their own filth).

 No this post is not about shaming my boys into submission. They know no shame and could not possibly care less how their bathroom looks or what grows on the walls or what their mother blogs about.

A few months ago, I stripped (yep there's that word) their bathroom down to fairly basic necessities since  soap dishes and miscellaneous decorations were simply docks for bandaid wrappers, used dental floss & loogies (throat snot).

Below is what I first dealt with today.  Heads up again: Depart if you have a weak stomach. 

Yep, that's boy pee & if you look closely, you might even see a milkyway wrapper stuck in it.  And YES I poured bleach on it because as all my friends know....I'm a mustard gas mom.

Anyhoo-I stripped their bathroom down to bare bones. Fortunately I took a BEFORE  the bathroom strip photo (see below) get out of here pervs, there are other uses for the word "strip".

And an AFTER the strip photo so that I can remind my boys what they are missing (see below).

Since I am one of those glass half fullers, I did find an extremely bright side to the gnarley bathroom cleaning today.  Whooop!  I found the contact lens that Myles lost!  

Ok, for all you narrow minded pervs who can't get the word "stripper" out of your head, I'll toss ya a stripper bone. 

Wallpaper stripping is a walk in the park.

Please hit me up with your filthy kid stories.