Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Best and Effing Worst

Thought I would start a new weekly thing. The Best and the Worst of the week.  Yes, it is only Wednesday and yes I will probably only do it once.

 1.  Great Easter with the fam. No burnt or poisoned food. Also a few  family pictures taken without mean profanities, tears or punches thrown for a change.

Addie, Myles, Alex, Andrea, John, me and Blake
 Andrea (almost daughter in law), myself and daughter Addison

2.  Youngest son finally got a voice lesson slot with a male instructor at music school after being on 2 month waiting list.  Yay Myles! ♫ Now ramp up your fucking grades! 

3.  Middle son (17) secured a 4 day spot to PHX Comicon next month.


  1. Middle son (17) secured a 4 day spot to PHX Comicon –(ok, bi-polar on this issue. Bite me, he's only 17).

 2.  Our sweet little cat Lydia went missing on Easter. 
Yes, flyers posted, ads placed, Animal League called with details, arguments with hubster about my cell phone number on flyers encouraging stalkers & burglars blah blah blah.

Oldest son told me he was CERTAIN she would come back!  yeah I know, as a fucken six armed blue Hindu giraffe princess or some shit…I get it.

3.  Broke ground on our LAST Medieval 6th grade social studies castle EVER! It’s due in 11 days *awesome*. Being our first GIRL castle after 3 boys, she chose to replicate The Alcazar Castle, of course she did. It’s basically Disney Land’s Sleeping Beauty’s Castle.  No biggy-might eat a gun before we're finished.

The following arguments ensued:

Hub/Dad:  I really think we can use part of Myles’ old castle for this. Let’s recycle some of this.(fucking greenies, there is a time & a place where that shit works, this is NOT one of them)

Addie: OMG! I am NOT using ANY part of his castle. It’s gross!

Me:  No shit John, that’s a dude castle! What are you thinking?  I don’t give a lady in waiting’s bucket of shit if it was the best one 3 years ago, it sucks NOW. John I think we should really girlify this one up.  It’s our LAST one ever & I’m feeling pink  & maybe some sparkle this time.  

Addie:  Yeah DAD, GAWL!

 Me:  I’m sure we can work this out.  I see some things we can possibly re-use Addie.  Deep breath, go to fucking mental Nice Wife/Mom Town, The castle builder leaves for Geneva in 12 days on business and there is  NO WAY am I going to sacrifice my chocolate over a castle fit.  John & Addie, I know we can knock this out of the park, we always do.  No worries.

Below is the progress we have made. We SO GOT THIS!

And YES those are MY practice cones, I mean pointy turrets or WTF ever made from a piece of junk mail-I can SO be green!  

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Bring on the Vampires

I can hardly wait! Only 23 more days until school is out!   I  LOVE summer break. There are SO many benefits.

First and foremost -Vampire Hours! (alarm clocks forbidden)
  1. No washing school clothes.
3.  No folding socks (socks are also forbidden in Vampireland) Ok, I haven’t folded a kid sock since Christmas, but digging for sock matches like gold in clothes baskets increases I.Q.-(pretty sure I saw that on The Discovery Channel).  
4.  No ass kicking homework. 
5. Catching up on my beloved late night reality TV.

With vampire hours during summer break, it’s almost the same as the kids being in school all day, minus all the shitty stuff. 

 Just a random vampire pic, let's just call it "The Mommy Vampire"

Admittedly, there are a few cons to summer break, for instance the food issue. The $2.00 per diem for each school lunch has to be replaced by pot roast or cheese burgers for their mid night lunch.  But I figure I make up that expense in my water bills since they will only shower if they have plans that night, plus less laundry-did I mention NO sock washing or folding?  

We will also have countless kids over during vampire hours, which will add to the late night noise level, and  force the mortal father of the vampires to wear ear plugs in order to get a decent night’s sleep so he can go to his non vampire job to put pot roast & burgers on the table.  (Yes, our vampires and their vampire friends eat real food, I know you were probably questioning that earlier.)  Do we discriminate against non vampires during summer break?  Yes. Suck it the hell up. I mean deal with it.  

In addition, there will be entertainment expenses for the vamps, i.e. movies, bowling, mall-ing,  gold gasoline, etc.  But again, I’m confidant that I will make all that up by not having to build or buy supplies for castles, piƱatas and WWII radar dishes, or pay late fees to the library, co-pays to ER for science fair shit gone wrong and field trips.

So it’s ALL good! Again, can’t wait for the vampires! And Toddlers in Tiaras and Animal Hoarders at 2:00 am.    

Another random.  My personal favorite vamp of all time. 

Monday, April 18, 2011

My Most Recent Badass Mom Day

Recently my youngest son (15) casually with a dash of shitty says “Mom, I REALLY need some better scissors. I’ve been using rusty cuticle scissors to trim my man bush & it really sucks.”

Me:  *pause, punch self in chest to restart heart*.  Oh my god honey, I had no idea, what the hell? This is so one for your dad, but since he’s out of town I’m gunna change your life & hook ya up.  By the way is your jaw stiff or anything from the rusty scissors? I’m pretty sure you’re caught up on your Tetanus, but meet me in my bathroom.

Myles: Ok

I hand over the holy grail of man bush grooming.

Myles goes to the powder room.  20 minutes later he exits and YELLS up to his older brother “BLAKE! Holy SHIT!  Come down here right now dude!  I am going to change your life!”  (Little thunder stealer).

Me: Myles, you know I am probably going to blog about this. In fact, I think a lot of moms could learn from this.

Myles:  I don’t care.   Damnit!  I should have let you take before and after pictures!  (Love that shameless little shit kid)

I immediately texted my sister to give her heads up, as she has 2 younger boys.  I don’t want her to fail like I did.

Hit me up with any crazy boy stories. 

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Only in Private

Everyone knows the obvious things that should only be done in private, like bodily elimination or nasty scratching and picking.  Below are the things that I believe should be added to the ONLY in private rules:

NOSE BLOWING:  DUH! It’s eliminating!  Watching people blow their noses in public is just beyond strange to me, not to mention gross.  (Well unless my children do it, then it’s ok).  But my FAVORITE is an old school public nose blower who actually whips out a crunchy hankie. Really?  You’re going to put that back in your pocket?  KEEP IT PRIVATE!

NAIL BITING:  When I see someone biting their nails, my mind starts racing with ALL the things that they are going to go touch afterward-phones, keyboards, doorknobs Not ME you freak! Keep your diseased spit to yourself.  KEEP IT PRIVATE!

SNIFFING WEIRD SHIT:   This can be a semi private thing, because it’s cool with kids and husbands, but NO ONE ELSE.  Seeing people go through the stages of sniffing weird shit in public is just messed up.  Step one: Eyebrow raise.  Step two: Hesitant head lowering. Step three: Sniff. Step four: Freak out, profanities, contorted face, gut grabbing.  Step five: The fucking statement that always follows: “OMG, SMELL THIS!”  Step six: My fist in your face, nasty smell emotions are TMFIKEEP IT PRIVATE!

Lastly, EATING CORN ON THE COB: There! I SAID IT! It never looks right. I don’t care if you are a super model at one of Heff’s BBQ’s sitting in the grotto wearing a diamond encrusted bikini -it looks like shit and it's un-pretty..  Plus you leave lipstick stains on the corn. Then what? Huh? Huh? Do ya just eat that part?  Wipe it off with a napkin?  Please just excuse yourself, go to the restroom & take your fucking corn with you. (Unless you are one of my kids, then it’s kinda’ cute). KEEP IT PRIVATE!

Tell me the things YOU would like added to the ONLY IN PRIVATE list. 

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Cartoons, Rhymes & Child Abuse

One of my blog friends posted her review of the movie Tangled.  It was a very deep and thinky post regarding relationships etc.

Anyhoo, it reminded me of how Disney totally screwed with my head when Bambi’s mom was killed.  Then that reminded me  of how Disney completely jacked me up with Snow White as well (I know, give a mouse a cookie blah blah blah).

Evil murderous step moms, dirty hoarding midgets little people with severe allergies and obvious personality disorders (probably from mining blood diamonds and living in complete filth), invisible caskets and a douche kabob of a prince who comes in at the last minute and saves the day with a kiss, seems a little over the top for a pre-school aged kid. 

THEN that reminded me of The Real Mother Goose book that my 12 year old daughter and I often read just to get freaked out.   

 The cover alone is all kinds of wrong to me.

My daughter’s favorite is “Sing a Song of Sixpence”. She LOVES the part when the maid gets her nose bitten off by a black bird.  I personally like the part with the king eating a pie made from black birds-yummers, after counting out his money.   

I’m also partial to Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater:
Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater,
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her;
He put her in a pumpkin shell,
And there he kept her very well. 

Awesome Peter!  First off, your name sucks.
Second off, you are a wife abusing kidnapper.
Third off, you're a seriously GUH ross dude!  You put your wife inside what you actually eat?   Might be a stretch here Pete, but I’m guessing Jeffrey Dahmer & Hannibal Lector were devoted students of your sick twisted ass. 

I could go on and on.  I'm kinda' fond of that child abusing old bitch in the shoe too. 
Tell me your favorites!

Monday, April 4, 2011

MEAN Grouchies

We took the new pups to a shot clinic this last weekend at a local dog groomer's store.  Evidently this shot clinic is held twice a month & vet techs and vets volunteer etc. 

Our first red flag was the big ole sign on the front door that said (not kidding here)  "A $10.00 fine will be applied for any grouchy dog." Man I wished I had taken a picture of that.  Plus, it was basically a storage space in the back woods of Southern AZ (dirt roads etc).

Below is how the conversations went upon entering:

Me: Hi there, we are here for the shot clinic.

Mean Lady:  Fill out the gray portion of this form.

Me: Okay. May I have another form for my son’s dog?  He's outside right now, but on his way in.

Mean Lady:  Sure

Me: Thank you, here’s my –

Mean Lady: (interruping) NO I SAID ONLY FILL OUT THE GRAY AREA!

Me:  Heart pound, pee drips, mental OMG’s. Ummm, oh where did I mess up?  This little box that I checked that asked me how I heard about your place?

Mean Lady:  Yes! That’s NOT gray!

Me:  Eyebrow (are you fucking crazy) raise & evil eye.

Mean Lady: What do you want done today?

Me: Well, we are here to get our 2nd round of puppy vaccines.

Mean Lady: What about de-worming?

Me:  Well, we de-wormed them when they were 8 weeks, so-


Mental Me:   Gaw Damn IT!  Could you just punch me in the FACE next time?!? Your verbal outbursts are making my heart skip beats & I’m tired of peeing my pants!  I have NEW sparkly sandals on & I REALLY don’t want pee stains on them you WEIRDO!

Enter John (the hubs)

Mean Lady to John:  Put that gorgeous pup on the scale. (Eeew weird suck up ish).

John:  Ok


John: Ok, she’s a puppy and a little wiggly.

Mental Me:  My GAWD is this woman for real?

Mean Lady: 17 pounds.

Enter Alex (my son with his puppy)
Mean Lady comes to pet Alex’s dog (ours was outside with John to avoid the negative energy and it was obvious suck up shit again)

Alex: Oh man, she just pissed on my foot (Who Me? Not again Damnit! )

Me:  Oh here son, I have a paper towel in my purse.


Mental Me:  Ummmm, SCUSE ME! I can give MY son a paper towel, Kleenex or a piece of USED fucking TOILET paper you FREAK! 

Alex: Eyebrow raise huh?

Enter John (again) with our pup.

Me (whispering to John): Did you hear that lady rip me a new ass? I was so ready to grab our dog & bolt the hell out of here.

John:  Yeah, I know (while laughing)

Me: Why are you laughing?  

John: At you saying we we're going to bolt.

Me: Ah ok, why didn’t you get in her face over that?

John:  I was too busy mending my own ripped ass over the scale shit.

 Fast forward to that night:
 Me:  I am NEVER setting foot in THAT place AGAIN!

John:  (Mr. Diplomacy) Oh, she was was probably just having a bad day since she had to work on a Sunday.

Mental Me: Oh for fux sake, she is the OWNER! Are you kidding me?
Real Me:  Ok

I’m all about giving second chances.The techs and veterinarians were friendly and knowledgeable. Getting past the owner with your with your ass in tact is a bit tricky, but the hubs & I discussed it and decided on a compromise.  Next time we're going to switch things up. Sparkley sandals, makeup & clean clothes are a big no no. I don't know who the dude is below, but I bet the dog shot clinic lady is nice to him.

 Do you have any crazy over the top stories about crappy service?  Comment me if so.  Would LOVE to hear about it.