Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Calm Down While I Patronize You (Boys vs. Girls)


Couple weeks ago:

Me:  Addie, I want you to clean your room today.
Addie:  OKAY MOM! CALM DOWN!
WTF?

A week later:

Me:  In my sweet voice- Addie, Will you please clean your room, we worked REALLY hard on it a couple weeks ago & it’s getting trashy again.
Addie:  OMG MOM!  CALM DOWN! I WILL!

Another week later:

Me:  Come on Ad puke on the syrup in my voice, I really think you should clean your room, it’s getting SO narl.
Addie:  I know, I know, just CALM DOWN!

Today:

Me:  Blake & Myles I need you to come down stairs.
Blake:  What? You have a chore?
Me: Yep, a shitty one.
Blake:  MYLES! MOM WANTS US FOR A CHORE, COME DOWN!
Myles:  What? Do we have to clean dog shit in the back yard? Yeah that once a year chore when your dad’s out of town you poor things.

Me:  Yep, here are your gloves & bags. 



Blake:  Ok      ♫ Awesome!♪
Myles: Ok      ♫ Awesome ♪

5 minutes later:

Myles:  You could have had us come out when it was still day light. Awe you sweet thing.

Me:  Oh honey, that’s no fun!  Consider it an Easter egg hunt in the dark….Wow! Look at that, you just found a treasure trove! GOOD EYE!

Blake: sigh, good try mom, this still sucks, but we love you.

Earlier today I saw a stranger mom at the grocery with her baby in their over flowing cart along with her teen aged 14 ish daughter. She asked the daughter to grab some bologna. The teenager grabbed some random lunchables & string cheese instead.  The mom told her to put it back & guess what the daughter said….yep you guessed it……”Okay! CALM DOWN MOM!”


I punched that brat in the back of the head & told her clean her room and her mom totally high fived me.  Ok, that high 5 part was imaginary, but she made that understanding eye contact with me. She knew I had her back. 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Proper *&#@* Profanities

Few things crack me up as much as the misuse of profanities.  Please leave this blog now if you are easily offended.
I come from a long line of prestigious profanity kings & queens. Yes I am proud of this so please forgive my snobbery concerning improper profanities.  It makes me cringe, like open mouth chewing, public nose picking or not placing your napkin on your lap.

Yes, I am old school and still believe in the ART of profanities.

Below are a few of my pet peeves:

“What the shit?”  No no no no. This. Does. Not. Work.  It’s hell or fuck.   Not poop or crap or any variation. 

“She is such a dumb mother fucker”.  Ummmmm-NO.  I feel embarrassed when I hear this.  Gender pronouns are crucial with this or the effect is just wrecked.  Please study harder Myles. Profanity royalty is a privilege not a right. 



I do have some exceptions I have made over the years.  I  have an open mind & try to keep up with trends.   For instance, I can now easily call a guy a bitch.  “Quit being a little bitch” is sometimes perfect.  

I love the irony of how profanities are so geared toward men.  For instance, you can call a man a PUSSY and you can call a man a DICK.  But you cannot call a girl either of those or you are just a dumb ass. 

Although not a cuss word, I am not fond of the word "DUDE" when referring to a girl.  I know, I know, it's widely used now for girls.  But it still bugs me. All of my sons have affectionately called me dude from time to time.  “Chicken friend steak tonight? Oh hell YES DUDE!”    

I always just hug em tightly for their sweet enthusiasm & whisper “Ahhhh, thanks! You can do the dishes bitches.”

Please tell me YOUR favorite misuse of profanities! 





 

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Hillbillies and Death


Tonight we had another frenetic conversation in my house.  We all fight for talk time around here.  So it’s more like a verbal sword fight than family conversation. 

Myles my youngest son (15):  Mom I’ve never been to Arkansas!? Blake says I’ve been to Arkansas.

Hubster:  Yes you have hillbilly boy! That’s where you were born!  I’m sorry, didn’t you know that?  It was a really nice shed with a clean mattress….  

Me: SHUT the hell up John GAWL!   Yes you’ve been to Arkansas Myles. We went to that cave where you guys got those cool $25.00 hats. I think you were around 3 ½.  It was that trip that you almost drown in the hotel pool in Shell Knob, Mo because your dad & grandma were chatting up the hotel manager while I was taking care of your infant sister. I had to jump in the pool fully clothed to grab you…don’t you remember that?  And aren’t I a bad ass super hero mom?  

Myles:  What?  Shit! Just how many times have I almost died?  

Below is a random pic of shed born hillbilly boy.

 
Me:  Well, honestly, I’ve lost count.  But you & all of your siblings have almost died if you want to look at it that way.  Lots of dodged bullets & spooky stuff, but I like to think that you all are lucky; you in particular.  Surviving that whole hit by a car dealio while riding your bike was pretty awesome don’t cha think?  Oh and living through that Swine Flu, I mean H1N1 shit a couple years ago was pretty awesome. 

And last year you totally dumped that cougar that was rumored to have the herps right before you got too involved with her.  Ok, that wasn’t almost death, but it would have been death to your social life for ummm I dunno, FOREVER!  By the way, you still need to thank your older bro for that tip.  Suck it up buttercup!  You’re tough! You're Neo or Odysseus or some super tough shit that runs on my side of the family you bad ass mofo.

Another random pic of bullet dodger boy below.



My youngest son is my Macaulay Culkin, & fills me with angst most days.  However, he is also my muse & is responsible for one of my most memorable quotes, shortly before this photograph was taken-



"Tell Papa to get out of that box and take me fishin"- Myles Hamby  While in the hubster's arms at my dad's funeral and the only time I have ever seen tears on my husband's face. 

  




Sunday, August 21, 2011

Skinny Jeans and Misunderstandings


Free Advice:

When an angry stranger mom & dad come marching down the side walk at 7 am on a Sunday & ask “Do you know where your son was last night?”  The WRONG answer is “Yes, he spent the night with his buddy so & so.” 

The RIGHT response is: “No because I don’t have a son. What? You caught someone that looks like us in your daughter’s locked bedroom this morning? Well that’s just weird.  But, if I did have a son that you saw pulling up his pants, it’s probably because he wears super low skinny jeans & is always pulling up his pants. Bye bye, have a nice day. Hope you find that bad boy. We’ll be on the look out. We certainly don't want the neighborhood going to shit."

My imaginary son is SO grounded!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Good, Shitty and Shitty

It's all about balance.

Below are a few of my recent balancing acts.



Shitty:  Myles’ had a sleep over & he & his buddies stole a ½ bottle of Vermouth out of the pantry & were stupid enough to leave it in a back pack on the floor of his bedroom.
Good:  I don’t know that many people who are Vermouth drunks.
Shitty:  Did I mention they left it on the floor in a back pack?  Yeah, thinking special ed. I will be hiding our mouth wash & shaving cream in the future.

Shitty:  My daughter started her first, I can’t even type it, but her first little monthly friend arrived. She thought she had vuh jay cancer because it wasn’t as she had imagined and she was acting all embarrassed….REALLY?  We don’t do “Embarrassed” in our house girl!
Good:  It started BEFORE the school year started (can I possibly use the word started again? And YES she gave me blogging privileges. I don’t suck THAT bad.)
Good Again:  She bragged to Vermouth Thieves that she started her…(can’t type it) & gave the Rock n Roll hand sign. Have I mentioned that there is NO shame in our house?

Shitty:  3 am the other night my 2nd son wakes me with this-“Mom, I’m really sorry to wake you up, but I’m kind of freaking out because I have this bump on my butt & I’m pretty sure it’s anal cancer”. WTF is up with this cancer shit?  Bye bye cool dream land arrow dude with pointy ears from Lord of the Rings...shit! (Yes, I have blogging rights-quit thinking I suck).  Me: Wow, what’s up? Let me take a look. Don’t freak out Tam, shake off mental pictures of baseball sized black tumors on your sweet child’s butt.
Good:  Pretty sure it’s an ingrown, or possibly a butt cheek zit & 2nd son seems relieved.

Shitty & Good: Yesterday at the pharmacy while picking up our 10th Rx for Vermouth boy’s eczema, a GIGANTIC lady of about 60 behind me in line yelled “AHEM! HURRY UP!” while I was putting my debit card back into my purse.  It was SO funny to me!  I’m a get in & get out kind of girl while shopping.  I treat it like a mission.  Not a social event. In fact, I always think about the people behind me in line & rush in order not to offend.  




 I admit when I turned around & saw all of her 9 foot 400 lb glory, I was kind of shocked.  But I realized instantly that I could totally take her grouchy crippled ass (and her midget, I mean little person hubster), so I just shot her with my mean- kid cancer, booze stealing, period starting MOM eyeball lasers & she ran away crying like a little bitch-ok I made that crying part up. 









Thursday, July 21, 2011

Confessions of a Color Mixer



If you’re a dude-hit the road, well unless you're a cross dresser, cross gender, tranny, scene, emo, metro sexual, freaky snorker....-shit never mind. Just stay.

Anyhoo there is a true disorder I have invented discovered called NPMD- Nail Polish Mixing Disorder and I have it. My apologies if that acronym has already been used- sue me you “Non-psychotic major depressive disorder” and “National Park Mineral Development” freaks.

I know everyone has their nails DID now days, but I am one of those weirdos that still grows & takes care of my own.  I guess I lucked out & got good nail growing genes that I would gladly trade for the big boob gene & I like the attention I get when people say “WOW are those your REAL nails?  Ummm No, that’s just skanky. What kind of loser would grow their OWN nails, not to mention take care of them? Isn’t that shit illegal now? Guess I’m just an adrenaline junkie. Time to hit the road snorkers. Go find a Sharpie or spray paint blog.

My problem lies with never being satisfied with the nail polish I buy.  Yes, I’m happy the FIRST time I use it.  But after that, I have to modify it.  Whether it comes from the grocery store or the beauty supply store @ $10 a bottle, I ALWAYS believe that I can CREATE a better color. Below is part of my laboratory. I keep my other hoard specimens in my dressing table drawers. 


So the next thing you know, I am mixing several colors together.  Often I end up with the exact same color of several bottles that I already own and sometimes I find that there are incompatible compounds that create a weird sort of pretty goo. But as most artists know, it often takes many failures before you create a masterpiece.  Just ask that melty clock dude.

Sometimes I’m SO close to my perfect color, but it lacks the right sparkle or could be a bit darker or lighter, but the bottle is overflowing with my concoction and I have to pour some out, or start all over. Fortunately, it's a victimless addiction (except my bathroom vanity & hand towels, but that's chump change in my eyes while chasing the perfect nail polish shade dragon).

Tell me the below color is not the perfect shade of magenta to go with a new aubergine dress & silver sandals I bought the other day (yes I said aubergine, bite me!).



In any event, you are probably asking why I am discussing my embarrassing disorder openly?  Well, simply stated, it's  because all creatures in nature try to seek out their own.  Please hit me up if you have this same disorder (or a similar disorder).  I’m thinking of starting a support group. But snorkers not allowed. Go find your oven spay & model glue crew. 









Thursday, July 14, 2011

Cuckoo Magnets & The Tucson Court House Pt. 4








Jury Deliberations for the Aggravated DUI Case:

We had all been in the jury room SEVERAL times prior to the deliberation, but barely spoke, with the exception of weather & pet small talk nonsense.  Most people seemed quite content with just sitting around in our little room & staring at the table. Creepy. Being the productive person that I am, I worked on my Angry Bird skills fir 3 days.


I kept telling myself over & over & over:  Remember what you always tell your kids “The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room.”  Remain quiet.  Get a feel for this shit. 

We all sit down. 

*crickets*  Really?

Bailiff John Tucker tells us a few things about how the day is almost over & he will be back in an hour, hands us the forms, tells us to choose a foreperson blah blah blah.  See ya, bye bye. 

*Crickets*  

Being the weakest one in the room, I cracked & spoke.  “Ok, maybe we should choose a Foreman, I mean foreperson.  I have a suggestion.  I think THAT lady would be great." (point to a masculine lady who had told me she had been on 3 juries before) & was reading a Stephen King book- I mean really, nuff said right?  

Masculine Lady: UH, NO WAY!

 BUT, one lady (the shy quiet cutesy lady who answered the Hobbies question during the jury selection with “SHOPPING”) looked me dead in the eyes like I just told her 4’ 9”, mid forties ass that she was fat & ugly. Awwww, I see now you sneaky little cuckoo doodle.  You’re a sleeper aren’t cha? You totally want the gig huh?  Again, I should SO be a jury consultant.  

*Crickets*

So being the weakling I said, “Oh ok, how about you.” & pointed to Shrimpy Sneaky Sleeper girl. She was all “Well I did work for several lawyers a few years ago & my husband & I do own our own business, if you guys really want me to do it, I guess I will.”  Hehehehehe.  I LOVE those sneaky sleeper girls! Almost operatically the room said ♫ “YES!” ♫ .Whoo Hoo! Yay for those sneakies that were obviously 1st runner up at Home Coming.

*Crickets*

Weakling:  Well, maybe we should talk about the case.  Isn’t that what we are supposed to be doing? Everyone nods in agreement except, yep, you guessed it, Sneaky Shrimp. Oopsie, did I step on your toesies?

Random:  If you care about stats, the jury was made of 6 white women ranging in age from 30-70 and 2 Hispanic men ranging in age from 35 -65.

Sneaky Shrimp:  Well, I think we should wait until we get the final form we sign from the judge regarding the charges before we talk about it.  But John Tucker said we are supposed to start deliberating.

*crickets* 

Cover mouth to keep from busting into the Kill Bill Whistle Song that has been swirling in my head for 3 days.


 

 
Second Sleeper Girl (but who was SUPER cool):  Well, I think it’s ok to talk about it. No shit.
 
Masculine Lady: Yeah, What do you guys think?

Old Lady with birds:  Yeah, I just don’t believe that guy’s story.

Weakling:  Hehehehehee-take THAT Sneaky Shrimp forelady! HA!  “Well, does anyone question the blood alcohol lab work that the defense claims was contaminated?”  That part seemed like a simple yes or no dealie.

GROUP:  NO not at all.  Ok, we just got half way through this bullshit guys! The dude was 3 times over the legal limit, no arguments.

Sleeper Shrimp Foreperson:  Well I still think we should wait for the paper work showing ALL the counts. Mmmmkay. She turns head & points to sweet sleeper & mentions her Purell hand sanitizer dangling from her purse & how she her self has all her employees keep Purell on their desks in a special mini Purell person made from wood.  Dear Heavenly Father, I know I am actually dead in my bed from a heart attack or brain aneurysm right now, but I beg you please to deliver me from this pit.  I want to go to the light. Please. Amen.  Oh, and I don’t do potluck either, it’s just icky to me.  Ok, I sort of get that, but you’re still a cuckoo.

65 year old dude:  Well, I think that guy is guilty.  Wow!  You spoke! 

35 year old dude:  Yeah I think that guy is guilty too.

*Crickets*  
Go away Kill Bill Whistle song!  

Weakling: Well, I know we are on break again, but I am not going the restroom this time.  I don’t know about you guys, but I keep running into the defendant & his family in the halls and elevators.

Heavens Open, room explodes with conversation!  AAAAAHHHH ♪

Sweet Sleeper:  Oh I KNOW.  I see them EVERYWHERE!

Bird Lady:  Oh it’s uncomfortable isn’t it? Uncomfortable?  More like torture.

Weakling: I keep running into them in the restrooms & hallways. I actually rode the elevator with 4 of them yesterday.

65 year old guy:  I keep looking at them to make sure I don’t work with one of them. You know how us Mexicans all look alike. Holy Shit!  You are wickedly FUNNY!  You’re my favorite!

Sweet Sleeper:  I KNOW.  I was pulling out of the parking garage last night & they pulled up next to me at the stop light, I freaked out & ducked my head!

65 year old dude:  Was the defendant driving?  Hahahahaha! Shit dude!  I knew you looked familiar.  Is your last name Lopez?  (Truly, this guy was SO funny after he started talking).  I still love him! 



*Room Laughter*  Finally!

Haggard Hippie Lady:  Well I have to be honest; I’m just not convinced that the defendant was driving the car that night.  Maybe he DID switch seats with that passenger who had warrants out like the defense attorney Alan Shore said. WHOA there Janis Joplin!  Talk about a curve ball!  Weren’t you the one ranting & raving on our 1ST jury break about how shocked you were that Casey Anthony was found innocent?

Sleeper Shrimp:  Well, let’s wait til we get that paper work.  I’m sure it will be here any minute.  Yeah let’s JUST.  This 10 page notebook, indictment & 4 pages of jury instructions aren’t quite enough for us dumb asses.  I had to do some rescheduling on my trip to the All Star game in Phoenix tomorrow.  I’m supposed to meet friends there tomorrow at 1:00. Wow!  Good for YOU almost Home Coming Queen! Damn you Kill Bill Whistle Song.

Bailiff John Tucker finally shows up with the paper work that the Sleeper Shrimp foreperson has to sign.  Sleeper Shrimp did bring up a valid point regarding some wording that would totally change Janis Joplin’s mind (our only hold out).  We sent the judge a question (in writing).  The day was over, so we had to come back the next day.  DAMNIT!  We were SO close!   Now we all have to come back tomorrow! No worries, it’s only a 60 mile round trip in rush hour for me.  Just whistle Tam. 

Next Day:  John Tucker brings our answer in writing from the judge and says “This question took a LOT of research from the judge and both attorneys.” No shit?  It was asking for a simple definition.  He hands it to Sleeper Shrimp forelady I mean person.  She holds it, reads it, ponders it, and raises her eyebrows.  *Tick tick tick* The shit power does to some people...


Weakling cracks againRead it MAMA! I am SO done!  

Sweet Sleeper:  Yeah, READ IT!  Hahaha, you’re cool!

Sleeper Shrimp: Oh, it reads: “This part of the statute does not apply to this case.” WTF?

Sweet Sleeper:  But those words are ON the indictment & page 8 of our instructions. 

Weakling:  Ok, maybe we should pull those pages out, underline that wording & ask the judge straight up if we are supposed to completely disregard THOSE words. This seems like a deal breaker here for Janis Joplin.  Here, you can have MY notebook.  In fact I think I might have a pink highlighter in my purse.

Sweet Sleeper:  Hehehe, Why do you have a pink highlighter in your purse?   Huh?  Who gives a shit! Um to tag the court house walls? I donno, stay focused sweet sleeper!

Weakling:  I’m not sure. It probably has something to do with my daughter.

Janis:   Well how old is your daughter? A little younger than Uma Thurman!  Stay Focused, Christ!

 Weakling: 12with a Hattori Hanzo under her bed.  Get off the fence Janis!


 In summary:  We didn't hold anything against Janis.  In fact I respected her for questioning some of the testimony.  We eventually found the guy guilty on all counts. There is nothing fun or cool about rendering a guilty verdict.  
Did I learn anything from my experience?  YEP! TONS!
Would I do it again?  HELL NO!  Not for a million. It sucked on every possible level.   

The End.

Epilogue:  An honorable mention in my story was an ancient woman who cracked me up during the initial jury question part.  When the defense attorney asked if any of us thought the DUI laws in Tucson were too strict.  She answered with “Well, I just think the police make too big a deal about this DUI thing.   It just cost us tax payers so much money to get everyone involved. And I really don't like those ticket cameras, I think they are just wrong.”  I never saw her after the break.  I still can’t decide if she was suffering from dementia or was just a crafty ole’ shuffler who got out of jury duty.   
    












Monday, July 11, 2011

Cuckoo Magnets & the Tucson Court House Pt. 3

Before the trial started the judge told us that we might encounter the attorneys, witnesses or defendant in the court house while serving as jurors, but anything other than a simple greeting would be inappropriate and not to be offended if they didn’t talk to us or seemed indifferent. No worries on my end mama, I mean your honor.

In addition, the bailiff/clerk, (who looked exactly like that dude from the movie “John Tucker Must Die”, Gawd, I need a doppelganger intervention) explained the order in which all of us jurors would file into the court room each day and after breaks and how we had to be in the EXACT order etc.  Being juror #5, no problem right?  Fuck NO. WRONG.  Turns out juror #5 is the FIRST one to march in to the court room after John Tucker announces in a really loud voice “The Jury is NOW entering.” (It has to do with seating order).  Freaking Awesome! I’m clearly already on the defendant’s family hit list, and now I get to be the FIRST juror they see each time we enter and as a BONUS, I’m seated closest to them. How could this possibly get better?

 No kidding, our bailiff looked exactly like this dude.  One juror said she was totally giving his business card to her 22 y.o. old daughter when the trial was over.

Below are a few things from the trial:

1st witness (an under cover police officer):  “Well I knew he was intoxicated because he had slurred speech, was staggering blah blah blah blah blah and he had urinated himself after we took him out of the car". WHAT? *hand over mouth to hide giggle*. Grow up Tam.   Did you just say urinate? I have to urinate, but what’s wrong with you officer? You can’t say that!  His scary mom, grandma, siblings, cousins & bawling kid are here.    Show some manners dude, sheesh.

Jury Break: Go to restroom, run into scary defendant family IN the restroom.  Go to elevator, run into Alan Shore (defense attorney).

2nd witness, a police officer (but not under cover):  “I could tell the defendant was intoxicated because he had slurred speech, was staggering…. Man it’s really chilly in this room, my fingers are getting stiff, look at my happy face & 3-d star doodles on my note pad, they are lame and he had urinated in his pants.”  WHAT THE?  COME ON! You cannot talk about peeing your pants without me laughing out loud. Chose a better fricken juror next time! It’s not "rocket surgery" (that’s my favorite phrase after anything to do with peeing pants) 

Free advice Alan Shore defense attorney:  during the torturous juror question part, scratch that whole “Who watches Boston Legal?” bullshit & just get up & yell the words PEE or URINE & see what happens.  Just sayin.  Man I should SO be a jury consultant.   

Jury Break: Go to DIFFERENT restroom, run into scary defendant family. Smile, no don’t smile, look down.

3rd witness was a CRAZY smart expert forensic sciencey woman in her early 30’s.

Jury Break: Go directly outside, consider peeing across the street behind that big building, run into Alan Shore as he’s crossing the street. Don’t say it, Don’t say it, Don’t say it Tam, the judge warned you. “Hi Alan”.  Oh NO!!!!! Just kidding.  I didn’t.  But I think I peed a little. 

 Yep that's him again, welcome to my 3 days in hell.


4th witness, THE most bad ass DUI expert police officer on the planet earth with head spinning credentials:  I knew he was intoxicated because blah blah blah blah and he had soiled himself, I mean urinated himself.”  No WAY! Did you say SOIL?   NO TAKE BACKS on THAT word beefy expert DUI dude! Seek help when this is over Tam.  

Jury Break: Lag behind, wait for attorneys & defendant family to clear the halls & elevator.  Act like I have an important text to deal with while researching Toviaz.  Head toward restroom, almost body slam defendant as he rounds the corner at light speed he probably had to pee.

Come back into courtroom (first), try to ignore the defendant that I almost accidently conceived a child with in the hallway & the scary family & that red laser gun sight dealie on my chest . Think of something else Tam, like your grocery list.  Maybe you have a coupon for store brand adult diapers.  How cool would that be right now?  

  
After the trial was over (but before deliberation) the judge says “Ladies and gentleman, thank you SO much for your service I always loved her, she is VERY cool.What I am about to speak to you about is the most unpleasant part of this process.”  Holy hell, what could POSSIBLY be more unpleasant? Are you going to line us all up & shoot us in the face? Dig our eyeballs out with a shoe horn?  What? What? Spit it out your Honor!

  “We only need 8 jurors and there are 9 of you, so one of you is the alternate. One of you will be going home today.  We decide this by lottery.’  The clerk (John Tucker) will draw out a juror number from this envelope.” Huh? No NO, I totally volunteer!  I’m the alternate!  I need to urinate or soil.  Plus it will get me off the family hit list.  It’s totally me!

Bailiff John Tucker:  “Juror number 2.”  Damnit!  Oh Man! That juror # 2 dude wanted to be here SO bad. Shit, is he crying?

For the record: During our deliberation: Everyone talked about being creeped out over running into the defendant & his family in the courthouse, even the men.  Deliberation is part 4.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Cuckoo Magnets & The Tucson Court House Pt. 2



Later on in the 1st day of being a Cuckoo Magnet at the court house, we got down to the final 21 potential jurors of which 9 would be chosen to serve.  However there were 25 waiting as backup in the court room along with the judge, attorneys, defendant, his family & various workers.  The defendant's boy of about 13 started bawling as we all filed in. Great.

I was in the first group of 21 so I had to sit in the box in front of everyone & answer questions. Eeew this might suck.  Oh my god! That defense attorney looks exactly like a cuter Alan Shore (James Spader) from Boston Legal-trippy.  I wonder if that was his hero & that’s why he became a lawyer…hmmmm, think I’ll twiddle my thumbs to avoid eye contact with the defendant’s family.  Man, I should have peed when the bailiff asked us in the hallway if anyone needed to, but that obnoxious lady who acts like she’s  won the lottery by being here made such a big deal about how SHE needed to pee, it would’ve been like copying, I'll just hold it in. God the defendant’s family looks spooky. Well except that bawling boy. 


Then the judge talks about a few things & starts in with her questions, beginning with “Does anyone here have a reason to be excused from this jury?”  We heard the expected child care, work related and up coming medical procedures stuff. 

My VERY FAVORITE was a lady I'm guessing to be between 150-200 years old and perhaps 4 ½’ tall who shuffled to the bench because her reason was “personal”.  The judge forgot to turn off her microphone, so the entire room got to hear the little lady say “I can’t sit very long or I have to urinate.”  Awww man really? I have to pee too!  She got excused immediately. I think they should have given her money or at least a prize for that shit.  How embarrassing.

 The remaining questions were pretty standard. We just had to raise our hands if the answer was YES and then explain it.  That was shitty, but I was  pretty confident that I would get excused because of some family and friends that were in upper law enforcement (like chief of police in my home town etc)…woo hoo I’m SO excused.

THEN: The judge apologizes for what she is about to do. Oh shit, this is going to be BAD.  What? What? Tell us!  Do we have to disrobe for a body search WHAT?

Judge: Ok this (giant) board has a number of questions beginning with your name & where you live that each of you will need to stand up & answer. WTF?  I hate you hubster, you did NOT tell me about this part.  There are probably 60 people in this courtroom right now!  OMG OMG OMG, I cannot do this.  Look at the FAMILY, they already look like they are going to beat all of us down in the parking garage.  This is messed up.  Don’t panic, don’t panic.  You can do this, or maybe you can grab your chest, groan and fall to the floor, yeah, that could work…think think think.  

The questions were very simply stated:   1. Your Name.  2. Where do you live and where did you grow up?  3. Are you married?  If so, what is your spouse’s occupation?  4. Do you have children?  If yes, how many and what are the ages of any below the age of 21.  5. What is your occupation?  Then it gets into hobbies, what publications you read etc.  You get the idea.  

I’ll spare you every single person who did this (21 is a lot). But below are highlights:

Very FIRST to go wouldn’t you know was obnoxious pee lady from the hallway.  She is kind of heavy, well put together, attractive and about 50. She stands up and starts out with- “Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, my name is…….” FOR REAL?  It’s not an audition you butt kissing cuckoo.  You’re weird. She gets to the question about kids and breaks into “I have 2 wonderfully great children, one just graduated from the U of Az and my awesome daughter is a sophomore in high school.” Mmmkay, I think the question was their AGES if they are under 21, not how fucking cool you think they are, so I guess they are both older than that. That must suck for your daughter.  She gets to the question about her occupation and says “I am just so honored to be here and love this entire process, I work at a doctor’s office…..”  Dear Lord Jesus, please show mercy on me, your humble servant who has never once puked in public and let someone call in a bomb threat right now.


 
SECOND FAVORITE was a college dude who answered the marriage question with ‘I’m not married, but if I was, it would be to Taylor Swift.”  I don’t like Taylor, but can I adopt YOU?  You’re just cool.  



 
THIRD FAVORITE was a mid 30’s lady who answered the hobbies question like this “My hobbies are animals, I just want to save them all *giggle giggle*. Your Honor, may I have a tissue?”  Probably cat allergies mama, I'll watch for ya on “Animal Hoarders”.  Seriously, did you just ask the judge for a tissue?  I’d use my fucking sleeve before I did that you cuckoo noodle.

I took my turn. It sucked beyond belief and I’m pretty sure the spooky family was taking notes so they could assassinate me and my family if things didn’t work out for their guy.

THEN the attorneys get to ask us all questions.  The defense attorney starts RIGHT off with this (swear on my life this is true). “Show of hands please, who here has ever watched Boston Legal?” Oh HELL NO, you did NOT just ask that you Alan Shore clone! “Who ALWAYS wins on Boston Legal?”

OH HELL NO AGAIN- I did not just mouth “Denny Crane” while you were looking right at me..no no no…SHIT! I want to get excused, I hate this place!   Can I have a silent impulsive mouthing (with eye contact) do over? What I meant to mouth was “You suck James Spader (except in Stargate, I admit you were kind of cool in that) but you still SUCK! And I only watch Law & Order cuz the prosecution always wins. And I REALLY need to PEE!”  Man I just HATE it when you think of something better that you SHOULD have silently mouthed.

 
I ended up being juror # 5.  I thought for SURE that Obnoxious needs to pee audition lady and Taylor Swift boy would have made it on the final jury.  Nope.

I have more stories from my experience.  The above is still just day one. And I promise that I am not even close to being done with the word "pee". 




Friday, July 8, 2011

Cuckoo Magnets & The Tucson Court House FREAK Show pt. 1







Today I finished being juror # 5 on an Aggravated DUI case.  I will spare you the complicated, sad and often boring details of the trial itself   I might have to talk about some funny trial stuff later I would much rather talk about the FREE FREAK SHOW that comes with spending 3 days at the Pima County (Tucson) court house.

I have always been a cuckoo magnet (probably like minds & all that).  Below are some of my favorite cuckadoodle moments from part of the FIRST day of jury selection. 

-Walking through the court house security for the 1st time, my new 4’10” 73 year old BFF that I met in the parking garage set the scanner off and had a teeny nervous break down because she forgot about the metal ball in her shoulder socket.  She finally whips out her special laminated card with an actual X-ray picture of her gnarly socket, shows it to the security people & tells me she is sorry.   HUHThank you lady with the cannon ball in your shoulder, but apologies aren't necessary & I’m kind of trying to get over my own mini nervous breakdown for setting off the alarms  on day 1 for having a bottle opener in my purse from a picnic a few weeks ago & NOW I am all attached to you.  Go away.  I set you free....it's OK! GO!


-In the actual jury selection waiting room, there were probably 150 people waiting to do their civic duty,  ranging from 18 year old gangstuhs to hunched over shuffling O2 tankers .  One of my stand outs was a robust person I think was a girl with a shaved head, hiking boots & flannel shirt sitting in the nice remodeled jury room drinking straight from a 2 liter bottle of Diet Coke like it was a cup of coffee! For real? Are you really THAT thirsty, or was that shit on sale or something? They have cups over there by the coffee pot Chastity, I mean Chaz.

-During a jury selection break outside, a fat Colonel Sanders clone suddenly looks at me & says “Here ya go” while handing me his cell phone.  WTF?  Who on this planet starts a conversation like that?  “Oh, I see. That’s your little dog on the screen huh?” Oh shit, it’s sitting on a motor cycle, do NOT acknowledge that Tam.  “Yep, my Harley broke down; it’s really expensive to fix a Harley.” Fuck! Here we go. “Yep, my Harley broke down, but I’m going to fix it soon.”  God help me.  “My truck broke down too, but I ride my Harley more, so I will fix it first.” WOW! , Since you mentioned the word Harley 4 times in 60 seconds & showed me a picture of your little gay dog sitting on your bitch seat, I am TOTALLY leaving my 4 kids & husband of 20 years for you Mr. WILD broken down biker man! 

 (That's not him, but add 50 lbs & turn facial hair snow white & it's dead on)

-During lunch break, a large woman (35 ish) sits next to me and begins telling me RIGHT off the bat how she always gets excused from jury duty because they make her take a “mental health exam”  REALLY? Did you just utter those words with a straight face? Nuff said mama.   And she can’t go eat lunch because she just started a 12 step diet program & showed me her new diet book (I had already noticed that she was on page two) red flag.  

Then she told me how her ex husband was a dead beat dad that dumped her when her daughter was 3 mos old, but her daughter was a straight A student in high school except that she sometimes gets C’s or B’s Yeah who counts those C's & B's when you're a straight A student right?  Also tells me how she doesn’t want to be on a jury because she’s not a judgmental person and doesn’t like to be involved in people’s personal business Red FLAG!  No worries.  Sounds like you have this figured out. And from my experience, the people who say they aren’t judgmental are usually the MOST judgmental…..but thanks for sharing. If God shows pity on the mentally ill, will you please put in a good word for me?  I’m pretty sure I’m in hell right now.  

After the final jury was selected, diet non judgmental girl stopped me in the hallway & said “SO YOU made the cut.”  What? “Well, I couldn’t have been on the jury anyway because I did a 12 step program for substance abuse, so I would be too biased.”  Well aren’t you just Awesome!!  Too bad you weren’t outside earlier today; I met the perfect dude for you! He has a Harley!  Good luck with that prologue of your diet book

This is just part of the first day of my freaky experience of being on a jury in Tucson.  I will be posting more tidbits.  I feel like my head is exploding with freaky stuff.

PLEASE share your experiences with jury duty, court houses etc.