Tuesday, January 4, 2011

One of My Biggest Mistakes of 2010

Last year I made the mistake of going to the grocery store late morning on Senior Citizen's day (1st Weds of every month).

I didn't get to the store until 10:30 due to a pukey girl at home.  OMG! I will NEVER EVER do THAT AGAIN!  I barely found a parking spot. Had to park a mile away.  Ok, no biggy, I'm thinking 'I'm not technically a senior & they should park closer plus the savings I can make today is certainly worth a little walk since I am cheating & using my husband's senior VIP card.
My normal silver headed greeter said his usual "how ya doing" thing and then says "You're surely not a senior." So I explained that my husband was blah blah blah & that I would be soon.  Again, no biggy & sort of sweet.  Well...then I started my shopping.  Holy shit. The store was PACKED! 

The first thing I go for is chap stick & see right out of the gate the "stalled out shoppers".  BAM! Carts & scooters & people separated from their carts & scooters everywhere just frozen in place in the middle of main aisles consulting lists or studying shit on the shelves. It felt like I was in a science fiction movie with "FREEZE GUNS!"  I'm thinking 'Oh man this shopping trip is going to take me all day!
I proceed to get my dairy stuff & paper items & head to the meat section.  Good God, I think I had a small anxiety attack.  I have NEVER seen that many people crunched up in a grocery store in my life.  I go ahead & get in LINE to get my freaking hamburger (taco night in Hambyland) and a woman in her 30's kind of blocked me accidentally, but immediately says "Oh I am so sorry" and under her breath says "I forgot it was the 1st Weds. of the month."  Of course I couldn't reply to that since I am a senior citizen cheater, so I just shook my head & said "No worries" while pondering Pizza Hut for dinner. 

I get  my stuff & then notice a large frenzy of people around the END of the meat section and I immediately KNEW that it must be some awesome kick ass deal over THERE! Well, it turns out that it was "buy one get one free ROAST day"  Well I decided that TODAY I was going to get us some roasts even if I had to wait an hour because I had heard of these mystical buy one get one roast days, but thought they were legends.

So I get in line AGAIN.  You couldn't even see the roasts in the separate special holy grail of meat bins.  It was just a solid mass of old people with wrinkled brows & flying arms that took FOREVER inspecting each & every single roast while trying to choose their 2.

Finally a slot to the feeding trough opened, so I simply turned my head to move my cart out of the way & I SWEAR an old lady freaking CUT right in front of me & started pilfering like a shark in a chum pool!  She looked me dead in the eyes like I was some sort of undeserving interloper. 
I was SHOCKED!  I almost said something, but my senior guilt prevented it since I was shopping on my husband's card etc.
I finally got in & just grabbed the 1st two roasts that I could before the old people decided to eat me.  Of course everyone in line shot me the evil eye like I had just found Publisher's Clearing House checks or Liberty Medical coupons buried in that shit.  I only took their crappy roast backwash , but they were just sure I had found the best ones!!!  I am NOT kidding, every single head turned to look at what I had just picked up...sheesh.

I get to the spice & baking aisle, which always cracks me up because it's the smallest aisle in the entire store, which on Senior Day is AWESOME-not stereo typing, but old people LOVE the baking aisle (ok I am stereo typing).  But I had to get some taco seasoning (taco night remember).  It was jammed packed with the freeze gun people AGAIN! DAMNIT!   I turned to a woman near an abandoned ghost cart & she says "I don't even know who THIS cart belongs to."  I just moved that fucker myself.  Didn't say a word. 

The last item I needed was a deli sandwich because Addie (sick girl at home) had asked for one.  Again, crowded &  blocked up frozen people contemplating the price per pound for cole slaw & 3 bean salad or some shit blah blah blah.  I get to the pre-made sandwich section & admittedly at this point I am clearly off my game, so I made the stupid mistake of bending down & turning my back on my shopping cart to pick up Addie's sick girl sandwich and RIGHT then an old woman taps me on the shoulder & says "You better watch your purse HONEY or someone will steal it."  OMG! Are you fucking kidding me?  Mentally I started  screaming "GO TO HELL!   I just came from the ROAST PIT! Worry about your OWN god damned purse WOMAN! And where do they keep the fucking FREEZE GUNS?"   She meant no harm...but shit! I simply said "thank you" but I pretty much hate her guts & secretly hoped the adult diaper aisle was blocked with "caution wet floor" signs & abandoned scooters.  (I know, burning in hell for that).

I eventually made it to the check out lines.  They of course were packed 5 -6 people deep in EVERY single one. I just relaxed, took a deep breath & reached around some frozen people in line & got a bottle of water without saying "excuse me" & drank it while waiting. 


the Georgiades family said...

Tam Ham, I L-O-V-E-D this!!!! You really should copyright the phrase "crappy roast backwash" before some band steals it - wouldn't that be a GREAT band name??!! lol
THANK YOU for the laugh! 'Twas just what the doctor ordered..
I'll be keeping my eyes peeled for more of your entries..

Tamara said...

Hahaha! A BAND NAME! Cool!