Thursday, March 31, 2011

Happy Grouchies

Today I had one of those dreaded trips to the grocery where there is ONE checker & a gazillion people in line.  It makes me so pissy when I see tons of employees walking around straitening cans & only one lone checker to take care of a ton of customers trying to BUY shit.

As usual, I am the 6th  person back in line with my cart over flowing to the point of embarrassment and an old lady (maybe 70) gets behind me with ONLY her ½ gallon of skim milk and greeting card to her great grand daughter for making honor roll or some shit in her cart.  I  immediately look over to see what’s up with the Express Lane, it was closed. Otherwise I would’ve slapped some sense into her mentioned it.  So I told her to go before me.   

Since I live in southern AZ, I let old people cut in front of me EVERY time I go to the store.  Sometimes, I can even get myself into an endless loop & end up in line forever by letting all the old people with 3 things in their cart cut.   Eventually I have to put my foot down & give them the go straight to hell & take your bananas & cat litter with you LOOK.

My old lady today told me straight up “Nope, I’m not going to be in a hurry any more, you go right ahead.”

Me:  Oh my gosh! I couldn’t sleep tonight if you didn’t go before me, truly, you go right ahead.

Old Lady:  Ok, thank you.  But I am I am done worrying about all these Snow Birds (those are seasonal Arizona people who only live here during the winter) rushing around and getting angry.  In fact, they don’t know how to drive, especially when it rains, But I’m SURE they can drive in the SNOW, but give them a drop of rain, they completely lose their minds. So I’m in NO hurry, wow those pork chops look good, are you going to grill those?

Me:  Yeah.  Mental Me:  NO SHIT!  I’m a total Snow Bird racist or what ever you call it. In fact, I’m a Rain Driving Racist too.  I’m from Kansas, you DRIVE in the rain, have picnics, play a round of golf & get married in the fucking rain, tornado sirens are just background music. A couple of rain drops here in Tucson make people have eyeball bleeds.

Old Lady: Well thanks again, now GIVE ME YOUR CART!

Me: Huh?

Baddass old lady starts taking ALL my groceries out at lightening speed & putting them on the conveyor belt behind her stuff.  I am busting my butt to keep up while being shocked.

Checker to Grumpy Old Lady:  How are YOU doing today?

Old Crunchy Lady:  Mean As EVER! Can I have $5 bills with my cash back, I have Bunko tonight.

Mental Me:  Can I have your phone number crusty old lady?  I’m pretty sure If I looked on, you & I are related some how.  Maybe I was adopted & you are actually my biological mom.

Checker:  Sure, what’s Bunko?

Cranky Old Lady:  Just call it BINGO!

Mental Me:  Shut up Checker lady, EVERYONE knows what Bunko is, give her the $5 bills! She just unloaded my groceries like a tri athlete.

On my way home while reflecting on the grouchy old NICE lady that I might want to start stalking, I saw a little chubby (borderline obese) dude of about 4 years old at the end of his driveway while his mom was unloading groceries (probably not cat litter or bananas, but more like twinkies and Haugen D).  I SWEAR he was totally cool dancing right near the street. Like busting Chris Brown or Usher dancing! ♫  I almost stopped to ask his mom if I could take a little phone video for youtube or at least give him a snuggy hug, but I decided that would be creepy, so I will just post a picture or our neighborhood turtle instead. 

Below is a neighbor's pet tortoise that she takes for walks.  He eats prickly pears from kitchen tongs.

Southern Arizona is just FULL of interesting & cool people. I am SO going to work on my project "skin cancer" today & just take it ALL in.


Blake said...

next time i ask you "how was your day today" i expect to hear a story like this

also grumpy old people on your side rock XD

Lisha @ DeLovely Life said...

Awesome. Love me a speedy cranky grandma who tells it like it is. Infact, I hope to be one. ;) Awwww. Hello adorable tortoise. Thanks for sharing. Love this story.