Having 4 kids, conversations with just one at time are rare & often very frenetic. Below is how my rare, but cherished one on ones went today:
In car on the way back from dentist:
Me: Hey Blake, who would you say was your least favorite teacher EVER?
Blake (my almost 17 y.o.): Hmmm, probably Mrs. McGrath (3rd gr). One day after school she told me that she was going to follow me to the car to talk to you about me not doing my Accelerated Reading crap. She was such a hard ass about that! I was SO freaked out.
Me: Yeah I KNOW right? That AR shit was ridiculous. (I can say that now because he’s bounced between 3.8 & 4.0 GPA for the last 3 years)
Blake: Luckily that day as we were walking out of the school, a little 1st grader ate it HARD on the sidewalk & skinned the shit out of her knee. I saw an opportunity & bolted to the car.
Sorry, I'm a sucker for gratuitous gore
Me: My GOD son! That must have really
fucked messed with your head all these years! Having a teacher follow a little shy boy to his car is just creepy. Sorry Son.
Enter Myles (my 15 y.o) after school:
Me: Hey guy! How was your day, what’s your homework? I mean HI Sweetie! What was the BEST part of your day?
Myles: Algebra as usual and we have an essay due on Monday for Lang Arts. This quarter is our Shakespeare shit so we have to write a tragedy based on a true incident in our family.
Me: CUH OOOOL! I bet you are going to write about when you got hit by a car while riding your bike on Thanksgiving when you were 9 huh?
True story, only cartoon pic for that fun day.
Myles: Nope, I’m writing about our great great grandpa who shot himself while cleaning his gun in front of his 11 year old son back in KS. The teacher told us that if our essay makes her cry, we will get extra credit. She also told us since her wedding is next month, she is really emotional these days double cool I smell an opportunity!
Me: WOW! AWESOME! I LOVE how you think son, but don’t forget that he had 2 children that died before the age of 2 prior to that tragedy.
Myles: Yeah, I know RIGHT?
Me: Hell YES RIGHT! If you can some how work in a dead puppy to this story, you will kill it, I mean totally get the extra credit. Maybe there was some sort of bullet ricochet shit in that story we don’t know about. I can sort of see that can’t you?
I could so post some gore here, but won't.
Enter Addie (my 12 y.o. & only girl) after her field trip to The Renaissance Faire in PHX today-
Addie: MOM! Look at this WAX hand I made. It was supposed to look like Lady Gaga’s Little Monster's hand, but it got messed up. Guess how much it cost!
Me: Umm 5 bux?
Addie: NO! 15.00!
Me: Cool, I am so impressed that you were able to tie in Lady Gaga to your medieval social studies field trip. What’s up with the fake nose ring? Did that cost $15.00 bux too? Oh BTW a friend of your brother’s had his nostril turn black and fall off from a fake nose ring infection. You might give that some thought.
Addie: Really Who? Man I’m SO tired.
Me: Me too! Getting up early for the field trip killed me. Go grab a corn dog, light your wax Gaga hand and relax. Then go check your nose, I think I see a little goopey black spot.
Enter Alex- my college boy (through tm):
Me: How are you doing today?
Al: Fine, you?
Me: Good, just noticing how our kitchen floor is cleaner than it has EVER been since getting the new puppy. I’m pretty sure she even eats rocks & trash in addition to the food chunks & crumbs.
Al: Cool! Our new pup (sister of ours) shredded an entire roll of toilet paper today, but DIDN’T eat it.
Real pic taken 3 weeks ago. Yellow ours, Chocolate my son & girlfriend's.
Me: Hmmm, give her your junk mail & receipts to shred. Good alternative energy.
SO IN SUMMARY:
A bloody classmate saved the day for Blake. A shot dead great great grandpa saved the day for Myles. A gangrenous nose will save a future day for Addie and a destructive new puppy will save Alex from having his identity stolen. BAM! Just TRY to call me a negative person!