Sunday, April 10, 2011

Only in Private

Everyone knows the obvious things that should only be done in private, like bodily elimination or nasty scratching and picking.  Below are the things that I believe should be added to the ONLY in private rules:

NOSE BLOWING:  DUH! It’s eliminating!  Watching people blow their noses in public is just beyond strange to me, not to mention gross.  (Well unless my children do it, then it’s ok).  But my FAVORITE is an old school public nose blower who actually whips out a crunchy hankie. Really?  You’re going to put that back in your pocket?  KEEP IT PRIVATE!

NAIL BITING:  When I see someone biting their nails, my mind starts racing with ALL the things that they are going to go touch afterward-phones, keyboards, doorknobs Not ME you freak! Keep your diseased spit to yourself.  KEEP IT PRIVATE!

SNIFFING WEIRD SHIT:   This can be a semi private thing, because it’s cool with kids and husbands, but NO ONE ELSE.  Seeing people go through the stages of sniffing weird shit in public is just messed up.  Step one: Eyebrow raise.  Step two: Hesitant head lowering. Step three: Sniff. Step four: Freak out, profanities, contorted face, gut grabbing.  Step five: The fucking statement that always follows: “OMG, SMELL THIS!”  Step six: My fist in your face, nasty smell emotions are TMFIKEEP IT PRIVATE!

Lastly, EATING CORN ON THE COB: There! I SAID IT! It never looks right. I don’t care if you are a super model at one of Heff’s BBQ’s sitting in the grotto wearing a diamond encrusted bikini -it looks like shit and it's un-pretty..  Plus you leave lipstick stains on the corn. Then what? Huh? Huh? Do ya just eat that part?  Wipe it off with a napkin?  Please just excuse yourself, go to the restroom & take your fucking corn with you. (Unless you are one of my kids, then it’s kinda’ cute). KEEP IT PRIVATE!

Tell me the things YOU would like added to the ONLY IN PRIVATE list. 


Lisha @ DeLovely Life said...

Hahaha! Yeh, so you shouldn't hang out with me. I totally eat corn in public, and I'm pretty sure I've bitten my nails before in public when I wasn't thinking about it. This should be an obvious one, but private cell phone conversations. I really dont want to hear about it. Not at all.

Anonymous said...

You are a fucking bimbo. Who are you to judge anyone of those people that do this?

Bless My Bitchy Heart said...

Ahhh, thanks Anonymous. Good to know. My apologies, but I'm unsure how to answer your question.