Monday, July 11, 2011

Cuckoo Magnets & the Tucson Court House Pt. 3

Before the trial started the judge told us that we might encounter the attorneys, witnesses or defendant in the court house while serving as jurors, but anything other than a simple greeting would be inappropriate and not to be offended if they didn’t talk to us or seemed indifferent. No worries on my end mama, I mean your honor.

In addition, the bailiff/clerk, (who looked exactly like that dude from the movie “John Tucker Must Die”, Gawd, I need a doppelganger intervention) explained the order in which all of us jurors would file into the court room each day and after breaks and how we had to be in the EXACT order etc.  Being juror #5, no problem right?  Fuck NO. WRONG.  Turns out juror #5 is the FIRST one to march in to the court room after John Tucker announces in a really loud voice “The Jury is NOW entering.” (It has to do with seating order).  Freaking Awesome! I’m clearly already on the defendant’s family hit list, and now I get to be the FIRST juror they see each time we enter and as a BONUS, I’m seated closest to them. How could this possibly get better?

 No kidding, our bailiff looked exactly like this dude.  One juror said she was totally giving his business card to her 22 y.o. old daughter when the trial was over.

Below are a few things from the trial:

1st witness (an under cover police officer):  “Well I knew he was intoxicated because he had slurred speech, was staggering blah blah blah blah blah and he had urinated himself after we took him out of the car". WHAT? *hand over mouth to hide giggle*. Grow up Tam.   Did you just say urinate? I have to urinate, but what’s wrong with you officer? You can’t say that!  His scary mom, grandma, siblings, cousins & bawling kid are here.    Show some manners dude, sheesh.

Jury Break: Go to restroom, run into scary defendant family IN the restroom.  Go to elevator, run into Alan Shore (defense attorney).

2nd witness, a police officer (but not under cover):  “I could tell the defendant was intoxicated because he had slurred speech, was staggering…. Man it’s really chilly in this room, my fingers are getting stiff, look at my happy face & 3-d star doodles on my note pad, they are lame and he had urinated in his pants.”  WHAT THE?  COME ON! You cannot talk about peeing your pants without me laughing out loud. Chose a better fricken juror next time! It’s not "rocket surgery" (that’s my favorite phrase after anything to do with peeing pants) 

Free advice Alan Shore defense attorney:  during the torturous juror question part, scratch that whole “Who watches Boston Legal?” bullshit & just get up & yell the words PEE or URINE & see what happens.  Just sayin.  Man I should SO be a jury consultant.   

Jury Break: Go to DIFFERENT restroom, run into scary defendant family. Smile, no don’t smile, look down.

3rd witness was a CRAZY smart expert forensic sciencey woman in her early 30’s.

Jury Break: Go directly outside, consider peeing across the street behind that big building, run into Alan Shore as he’s crossing the street. Don’t say it, Don’t say it, Don’t say it Tam, the judge warned you. “Hi Alan”.  Oh NO!!!!! Just kidding.  I didn’t.  But I think I peed a little. 

 Yep that's him again, welcome to my 3 days in hell.

4th witness, THE most bad ass DUI expert police officer on the planet earth with head spinning credentials:  I knew he was intoxicated because blah blah blah blah and he had soiled himself, I mean urinated himself.”  No WAY! Did you say SOIL?   NO TAKE BACKS on THAT word beefy expert DUI dude! Seek help when this is over Tam.  

Jury Break: Lag behind, wait for attorneys & defendant family to clear the halls & elevator.  Act like I have an important text to deal with while researching Toviaz.  Head toward restroom, almost body slam defendant as he rounds the corner at light speed he probably had to pee.

Come back into courtroom (first), try to ignore the defendant that I almost accidently conceived a child with in the hallway & the scary family & that red laser gun sight dealie on my chest . Think of something else Tam, like your grocery list.  Maybe you have a coupon for store brand adult diapers.  How cool would that be right now?  

After the trial was over (but before deliberation) the judge says “Ladies and gentleman, thank you SO much for your service I always loved her, she is VERY cool.What I am about to speak to you about is the most unpleasant part of this process.”  Holy hell, what could POSSIBLY be more unpleasant? Are you going to line us all up & shoot us in the face? Dig our eyeballs out with a shoe horn?  What? What? Spit it out your Honor!

  “We only need 8 jurors and there are 9 of you, so one of you is the alternate. One of you will be going home today.  We decide this by lottery.’  The clerk (John Tucker) will draw out a juror number from this envelope.” Huh? No NO, I totally volunteer!  I’m the alternate!  I need to urinate or soil.  Plus it will get me off the family hit list.  It’s totally me!

Bailiff John Tucker:  “Juror number 2.”  Damnit!  Oh Man! That juror # 2 dude wanted to be here SO bad. Shit, is he crying?

For the record: During our deliberation: Everyone talked about being creeped out over running into the defendant & his family in the courthouse, even the men.  Deliberation is part 4.


Dazee Dreamer said...

Oh god. You are cracking me up. And if I had been sitting behind you on that jury row thingy, I would have so kicked you chair everytime they said urinated himself, and we both would have been excused. Ok, I see a made for movie tv out of you and I on the jury. What?

Bless My Bitchy Heart said...

Hehehe, Dazee! I can tell from YOUR blog that we would both totally be in the clinker for contempt had we been in the court room together!

Lisha @ DeLovely Life said...

The suspense is killing me! And could your experience get any weirder. Let's see!