Saturday, July 9, 2011

Cuckoo Magnets & The Tucson Court House Pt. 2

Later on in the 1st day of being a Cuckoo Magnet at the court house, we got down to the final 21 potential jurors of which 9 would be chosen to serve.  However there were 25 waiting as backup in the court room along with the judge, attorneys, defendant, his family & various workers.  The defendant's boy of about 13 started bawling as we all filed in. Great.

I was in the first group of 21 so I had to sit in the box in front of everyone & answer questions. Eeew this might suck.  Oh my god! That defense attorney looks exactly like a cuter Alan Shore (James Spader) from Boston Legal-trippy.  I wonder if that was his hero & that’s why he became a lawyer…hmmmm, think I’ll twiddle my thumbs to avoid eye contact with the defendant’s family.  Man, I should have peed when the bailiff asked us in the hallway if anyone needed to, but that obnoxious lady who acts like she’s  won the lottery by being here made such a big deal about how SHE needed to pee, it would’ve been like copying, I'll just hold it in. God the defendant’s family looks spooky. Well except that bawling boy. 

Then the judge talks about a few things & starts in with her questions, beginning with “Does anyone here have a reason to be excused from this jury?”  We heard the expected child care, work related and up coming medical procedures stuff. 

My VERY FAVORITE was a lady I'm guessing to be between 150-200 years old and perhaps 4 ½’ tall who shuffled to the bench because her reason was “personal”.  The judge forgot to turn off her microphone, so the entire room got to hear the little lady say “I can’t sit very long or I have to urinate.”  Awww man really? I have to pee too!  She got excused immediately. I think they should have given her money or at least a prize for that shit.  How embarrassing.

 The remaining questions were pretty standard. We just had to raise our hands if the answer was YES and then explain it.  That was shitty, but I was  pretty confident that I would get excused because of some family and friends that were in upper law enforcement (like chief of police in my home town etc)…woo hoo I’m SO excused.

THEN: The judge apologizes for what she is about to do. Oh shit, this is going to be BAD.  What? What? Tell us!  Do we have to disrobe for a body search WHAT?

Judge: Ok this (giant) board has a number of questions beginning with your name & where you live that each of you will need to stand up & answer. WTF?  I hate you hubster, you did NOT tell me about this part.  There are probably 60 people in this courtroom right now!  OMG OMG OMG, I cannot do this.  Look at the FAMILY, they already look like they are going to beat all of us down in the parking garage.  This is messed up.  Don’t panic, don’t panic.  You can do this, or maybe you can grab your chest, groan and fall to the floor, yeah, that could work…think think think.  

The questions were very simply stated:   1. Your Name.  2. Where do you live and where did you grow up?  3. Are you married?  If so, what is your spouse’s occupation?  4. Do you have children?  If yes, how many and what are the ages of any below the age of 21.  5. What is your occupation?  Then it gets into hobbies, what publications you read etc.  You get the idea.  

I’ll spare you every single person who did this (21 is a lot). But below are highlights:

Very FIRST to go wouldn’t you know was obnoxious pee lady from the hallway.  She is kind of heavy, well put together, attractive and about 50. She stands up and starts out with- “Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, my name is…….” FOR REAL?  It’s not an audition you butt kissing cuckoo.  You’re weird. She gets to the question about kids and breaks into “I have 2 wonderfully great children, one just graduated from the U of Az and my awesome daughter is a sophomore in high school.” Mmmkay, I think the question was their AGES if they are under 21, not how fucking cool you think they are, so I guess they are both older than that. That must suck for your daughter.  She gets to the question about her occupation and says “I am just so honored to be here and love this entire process, I work at a doctor’s office…..”  Dear Lord Jesus, please show mercy on me, your humble servant who has never once puked in public and let someone call in a bomb threat right now.

SECOND FAVORITE was a college dude who answered the marriage question with ‘I’m not married, but if I was, it would be to Taylor Swift.”  I don’t like Taylor, but can I adopt YOU?  You’re just cool.  

THIRD FAVORITE was a mid 30’s lady who answered the hobbies question like this “My hobbies are animals, I just want to save them all *giggle giggle*. Your Honor, may I have a tissue?”  Probably cat allergies mama, I'll watch for ya on “Animal Hoarders”.  Seriously, did you just ask the judge for a tissue?  I’d use my fucking sleeve before I did that you cuckoo noodle.

I took my turn. It sucked beyond belief and I’m pretty sure the spooky family was taking notes so they could assassinate me and my family if things didn’t work out for their guy.

THEN the attorneys get to ask us all questions.  The defense attorney starts RIGHT off with this (swear on my life this is true). “Show of hands please, who here has ever watched Boston Legal?” Oh HELL NO, you did NOT just ask that you Alan Shore clone! “Who ALWAYS wins on Boston Legal?”

OH HELL NO AGAIN- I did not just mouth “Denny Crane” while you were looking right at no no…SHIT! I want to get excused, I hate this place!   Can I have a silent impulsive mouthing (with eye contact) do over? What I meant to mouth was “You suck James Spader (except in Stargate, I admit you were kind of cool in that) but you still SUCK! And I only watch Law & Order cuz the prosecution always wins. And I REALLY need to PEE!”  Man I just HATE it when you think of something better that you SHOULD have silently mouthed.

I ended up being juror # 5.  I thought for SURE that Obnoxious needs to pee audition lady and Taylor Swift boy would have made it on the final jury.  Nope.

I have more stories from my experience.  The above is still just day one. And I promise that I am not even close to being done with the word "pee". 

1 comment:

Lisha @ DeLovely Life said...

Nuts....Wish I'd been there to witness the insanity. Oh, and you're hilarious.