Friday, July 8, 2011

Cuckoo Magnets & The Tucson Court House FREAK Show pt. 1

Today I finished being juror # 5 on an Aggravated DUI case.  I will spare you the complicated, sad and often boring details of the trial itself   I might have to talk about some funny trial stuff later I would much rather talk about the FREE FREAK SHOW that comes with spending 3 days at the Pima County (Tucson) court house.

I have always been a cuckoo magnet (probably like minds & all that).  Below are some of my favorite cuckadoodle moments from part of the FIRST day of jury selection. 

-Walking through the court house security for the 1st time, my new 4’10” 73 year old BFF that I met in the parking garage set the scanner off and had a teeny nervous break down because she forgot about the metal ball in her shoulder socket.  She finally whips out her special laminated card with an actual X-ray picture of her gnarly socket, shows it to the security people & tells me she is sorry.   HUHThank you lady with the cannon ball in your shoulder, but apologies aren't necessary & I’m kind of trying to get over my own mini nervous breakdown for setting off the alarms  on day 1 for having a bottle opener in my purse from a picnic a few weeks ago & NOW I am all attached to you.  Go away.  I set you's OK! GO!

-In the actual jury selection waiting room, there were probably 150 people waiting to do their civic duty,  ranging from 18 year old gangstuhs to hunched over shuffling O2 tankers .  One of my stand outs was a robust person I think was a girl with a shaved head, hiking boots & flannel shirt sitting in the nice remodeled jury room drinking straight from a 2 liter bottle of Diet Coke like it was a cup of coffee! For real? Are you really THAT thirsty, or was that shit on sale or something? They have cups over there by the coffee pot Chastity, I mean Chaz.

-During a jury selection break outside, a fat Colonel Sanders clone suddenly looks at me & says “Here ya go” while handing me his cell phone.  WTF?  Who on this planet starts a conversation like that?  “Oh, I see. That’s your little dog on the screen huh?” Oh shit, it’s sitting on a motor cycle, do NOT acknowledge that Tam.  “Yep, my Harley broke down; it’s really expensive to fix a Harley.” Fuck! Here we go. “Yep, my Harley broke down, but I’m going to fix it soon.”  God help me.  “My truck broke down too, but I ride my Harley more, so I will fix it first.” WOW! , Since you mentioned the word Harley 4 times in 60 seconds & showed me a picture of your little gay dog sitting on your bitch seat, I am TOTALLY leaving my 4 kids & husband of 20 years for you Mr. WILD broken down biker man! 

 (That's not him, but add 50 lbs & turn facial hair snow white & it's dead on)

-During lunch break, a large woman (35 ish) sits next to me and begins telling me RIGHT off the bat how she always gets excused from jury duty because they make her take a “mental health exam”  REALLY? Did you just utter those words with a straight face? Nuff said mama.   And she can’t go eat lunch because she just started a 12 step diet program & showed me her new diet book (I had already noticed that she was on page two) red flag.  

Then she told me how her ex husband was a dead beat dad that dumped her when her daughter was 3 mos old, but her daughter was a straight A student in high school except that she sometimes gets C’s or B’s Yeah who counts those C's & B's when you're a straight A student right?  Also tells me how she doesn’t want to be on a jury because she’s not a judgmental person and doesn’t like to be involved in people’s personal business Red FLAG!  No worries.  Sounds like you have this figured out. And from my experience, the people who say they aren’t judgmental are usually the MOST judgmental…..but thanks for sharing. If God shows pity on the mentally ill, will you please put in a good word for me?  I’m pretty sure I’m in hell right now.  

After the final jury was selected, diet non judgmental girl stopped me in the hallway & said “SO YOU made the cut.”  What? “Well, I couldn’t have been on the jury anyway because I did a 12 step program for substance abuse, so I would be too biased.”  Well aren’t you just Awesome!!  Too bad you weren’t outside earlier today; I met the perfect dude for you! He has a Harley!  Good luck with that prologue of your diet book

This is just part of the first day of my freaky experience of being on a jury in Tucson.  I will be posting more tidbits.  I feel like my head is exploding with freaky stuff.

PLEASE share your experiences with jury duty, court houses etc.


Dazee Dreamer said...

I can not even wait for the next chapter. I'm hooked.

I've never made it as far as the court house when I've gotten the summons in the mail.

Now please, chapter two. waiting......waiting.......waiting......

Blake Hamby said...

Harley Harley Harley
Machine Machine Machine

hrm...i wonder if he built the Harley from parts on Craig's list

Lisha @ DeLovely Life said...

You have the most awesome random adventures. Must read more. Bwahahaha.