Below are a few of my recent balancing acts.
Shitty: Myles’ had a sleep over & he & his buddies stole a ½ bottle of Vermouth out of the pantry & were stupid enough to leave it in a back pack on the floor of his bedroom.
Good: I don’t know that many people who are Vermouth drunks.
Shitty: Did I mention they left it on the floor in a back pack? Yeah, thinking special ed. I will be hiding our mouth wash & shaving cream in the future.
Shitty: My daughter started her first, I can’t even type it, but her first little monthly friend arrived. She thought she had vuh jay cancer because it wasn’t as she had imagined and she was acting all embarrassed….REALLY? We don’t do “Embarrassed” in our house girl!
Good: It started BEFORE the school year started (can I possibly use the word started again? And YES she gave me blogging privileges. I don’t suck THAT bad.)
Good Again: She bragged to Vermouth Thieves that she started her…(can’t type it) & gave the Rock n Roll hand sign. Have I mentioned that there is NO shame in our house?
Shitty: 3 am the other night my 2nd son wakes me with this-“Mom, I’m really sorry to wake you up, but I’m kind of freaking out because I have this bump on my butt & I’m pretty sure it’s anal cancer”. WTF is up with this cancer shit? Bye bye cool dream land arrow dude with pointy ears from Lord of the Rings...shit! (Yes, I have blogging rights-quit thinking I suck). Me: Wow, what’s up? Let me take a look. Don’t freak out Tam, shake off mental pictures of baseball sized black tumors on your sweet child’s butt.
Good: Pretty sure it’s an ingrown, or possibly a butt cheek zit & 2nd son seems relieved.
Shitty & Good: Yesterday at the pharmacy while picking up our 10th Rx for Vermouth boy’s eczema, a GIGANTIC lady of about 60 behind me in line yelled “AHEM! HURRY UP!” while I was putting my debit card back into my purse. It was SO funny to me! I’m a get in & get out kind of girl while shopping. I treat it like a mission. Not a social event. In fact, I always think about the people behind me in line & rush in order not to offend.
I admit when I turned around & saw all of her 9 foot 400 lb glory, I was kind of shocked. But I realized instantly that I could totally take her grouchy crippled ass (and her midget, I mean little person hubster), so I just shot her with my mean- kid cancer, booze stealing, period starting MOM eyeball lasers & she ran away crying like a little bitch-ok I made that crying part up.