New Disease

This afternoon I told my husband that it’s no wonder that he wears his shoes out so fast because he can’t seem to walk without dragging his feet.

I knew this might be a super touchy subject because for the past 20 years I have made it known that he and many of his offspring are loud chewers/swallowers.  2 of my children have this ugly disgusting horrific loud eating trait & one has the foot dragging handicap.

Upon my shoe shuffle bitch, my husband totally shocked me and said that he and Blake or Myles or maybe Addie or maybe that weird kid down the street who looks exactly like his bother “what’s his name” that is always here saw/heard a little bit of a show on TV regarding people who have a REAL disorder with certain sounds especially the sounds that people make while eating and that there is actually a cure for it.  I immediately responded with “No shit? I TOTALLY HAVE THAT! What channel was that on?  When was it on?  I REALLY have to watch that!” Please dear God, don’t let it be that show with the chalk and Ajax eaters.

John says “Well I wasn’t really paying attention, I was in the kitchen getting some cereal, (Oh you mean that fucking cereal you eat that sounds like pennies in the disposal?) but I swear I heard it and it’s a true thing, just ask the brother of what’s his name.” 

I decided to just look this shit up online myself. As it turns out, it is indeed a TRUE disorder.  I found all sorts of cool advice, everything from therapy and anti depressants to desensitizing oneself with over exposure to the offending sound. Hmmm Really? That sounds doable.

I decided my mental health was fairly important, so I sat my entire family down & spelled it all out like this:.

“OK Family, I have a real life disorder cuz it was on TV & I read about it, just ask what’s his name’s brother, or brother of what’s his name, shit, I forgot, but it’s totally REAL & I need some help, here’s how it’s going to work-I need to get desensitized, so I would like you all to please chew with your mouths open at all times, smack your fucking food as much as possible, please put ice in all beverages and chew the shit out it (we have dental, so no worries). Please grow your mustaches to facilitate food droppings that can be loudly sucked up. Scrape, pound and slam flatware when ever possible (especially on the good china).  Gargle, slurp & try your very best to CHEW all liquids. If I try to run and hide in my bathroom, remember that there are always tin cans to be found in the recycle dumpster that you can swallow that will aid in my desensitizing. Thanks guys I really owe you!”

The other thing that I found regarding my disease was the suggestion of making a list of things that could be WORSE than loud creepy eating/ shoe shuffling sounds.  I’m going to give that a try as well. 

My Loud Eaters/Shoe Shufflers are NOT:  Murderers, embezzlers, meth junkies, devil worshipers, booger eaters, snot horkers,…Cool, I think this is working …  baby eaters, centaurs, car thieves, hermaphrodites….