Sometimes the Word "Pride" Just Doesn't Cut It.

Tonight over dinner my 12 year old daughter Addie randomly asks her brother “How long are you going to be in college Alex?” Alex chuckles and says “Umm, I duuno” Addie tosses back with “What are you going to BE?” Dear God do NOT ask a physics major that! It's almost as bad as using the forbidden word "exist".   Alex says “Not sure, but probably something to do with physics, I’ll probably decide next year.” 

Addie my super inquisitive girl asks “What’s physics?” I run interference and  whisper under my breath to Alex “Give her something simple and meaningful here son.” I’m kinda' kick ass like that & try to take every opportunity to encourage learning. So he says “Hmmmm, well you know how a car travels down the road and…?” Addie excitedly and rudely interrupts & shouts “Oh! You should be a 6^th grade teacher!” 

THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN public schools! Damnit! she didn't even raise her hand this time while asking her questions! GAWD!

Charlie Sheen

While reading and hearing about Charlie Sheen’s bullshit today, I realized that some things are just unforgivable.

I WANT to like Charlie Sheen SO bad.  But he is making it so god damned hard.  He finally pushed me over the edge today & is now on my “do not like EVER AGAIN list”. I forgave his Heidi Fleiss shit, I forgave all his bad movies, forgave his embarrassing drunken public tirades and trying to stab one of his wives in Aspen or Vail or what ever the hell snowy place on Christmas day.  I even forgave his penchant for ugly skanky porn stars named Candy.  

But, after reading that Charlie had WINE stains ALL over his shirt while being wheeled to the ambulance last night from his 36 hour cocaine binge did me in.  I’m done. 

♫Men men men men manly men men men….Man the fuck up Chuck & take a bath, you dirt ball! What would your mother think? ♪

I'm a Stalker

 I have recently become a FB stalker.  I’m not proud of it, but I am trying to own my faults these days, which include hyper sensitivity to open mouth chewing and shoe shuffling sounds.   

Anyway, I have become a full on Facebook stalker of my children.  Yes, I have them all programmed into my phone so that I can see their ridiculous status updates, which include things like:

" I’m bored, text me. My life sucks.” AW poor thing, I notice your posting that from your brand new laptop you ingrate.   “My plans are fucked. I want to start a band, anyone want to join me?” Hehehe for reals playuh?  “Every one cries rivers, but I will make you cry an ocean.” Seriously? You’ve been to the ocean like once. “Call me, my number is ***-***” (posted on wall @ 11 pm on a school night).

My new faves are my daughter’s: “TOOODAY IS SOOOOO BORING!” Clean your fucking room, that will UN-bored you!! “Tomorrow’s my birthday, call me, my number is ***-**** “ Come ON!  “You’ve been a bad girl, a very very bad girl” You SUCK Lady Gaga! But the BEST of the BEST are the awesome little Facebook Quizzes.  They are SO enlightening. I now know that my 12 year old daughter is a purple eyed bong smoking secret bi-sexual ninja that will have her first child when she is 18 & has a ghost named “Emma” that follows her.  AWESOME!

I have found that there are 5 stages to the Facebook Parent Stalking:

1.  (Beginners) Run immediately to the offending kids’ room & ask if he/ she is in crisis? Drug Problem? Contemplating suicide?  etc.

2. (Damage Control) Call friends & co-workers to make excuses & apologize.

3. (Seasoned Stalkers) Post snarky comebacks on your kid's page, i.e. "I just don’t know what I am going to do anymore.” Gets a big fat “How ‘bout your fucking homework pal” in an attempt to embarrass kid into submission.

4.  Roll eyes, hide posts.

5.  (Truly enlightened 5th stage parent stalkers) DE-FRIEND-out of sight out of mind I SAY!

Thank you Addie Bird for tagging me twice in your awesome FB Lady Gaga posters! I love you even though your FB anime character is Eclipsetar/ruler of hell & that you will make me a grandma in 5 years with a child named "October"  I'm hoping it will have purple eyes too. xoxox

New Disease

This afternoon I told my husband that it’s no wonder that he wears his shoes out so fast because he can’t seem to walk without dragging his feet.

I knew this might be a super touchy subject because for the past 20 years I have made it known that he and many of his offspring are loud chewers/swallowers.  2 of my children have this ugly disgusting horrific loud eating trait & one has the foot dragging handicap.

Upon my shoe shuffle bitch, my husband totally shocked me and said that he and Blake or Myles or maybe Addie or maybe that weird kid down the street who looks exactly like his bother “what’s his name” that is always here saw/heard a little bit of a show on TV regarding people who have a REAL disorder with certain sounds especially the sounds that people make while eating and that there is actually a cure for it.  I immediately responded with “No shit? I TOTALLY HAVE THAT! What channel was that on?  When was it on?  I REALLY have to watch that!” Please dear God, don’t let it be that show with the chalk and Ajax eaters.

John says “Well I wasn’t really paying attention, I was in the kitchen getting some cereal, (Oh you mean that fucking cereal you eat that sounds like pennies in the disposal?) but I swear I heard it and it’s a true thing, just ask the brother of what’s his name.” 

I decided to just look this shit up online myself. As it turns out, it is indeed a TRUE disorder.  I found all sorts of cool advice, everything from therapy and anti depressants to desensitizing oneself with over exposure to the offending sound. Hmmm Really? That sounds doable.

I decided my mental health was fairly important, so I sat my entire family down & spelled it all out like this:.

“OK Family, I have a real life disorder cuz it was on TV & I read about it, just ask what’s his name’s brother, or brother of what’s his name, shit, I forgot, but it’s totally REAL & I need some help, here’s how it’s going to work-I need to get desensitized, so I would like you all to please chew with your mouths open at all times, smack your fucking food as much as possible, please put ice in all beverages and chew the shit out it (we have dental, so no worries). Please grow your mustaches to facilitate food droppings that can be loudly sucked up. Scrape, pound and slam flatware when ever possible (especially on the good china).  Gargle, slurp & try your very best to CHEW all liquids. If I try to run and hide in my bathroom, remember that there are always tin cans to be found in the recycle dumpster that you can swallow that will aid in my desensitizing. Thanks guys I really owe you!”

The other thing that I found regarding my disease was the suggestion of making a list of things that could be WORSE than loud creepy eating/ shoe shuffling sounds.  I’m going to give that a try as well. 

My Loud Eaters/Shoe Shufflers are NOT:  Murderers, embezzlers, meth junkies, devil worshipers, booger eaters, snot horkers,…Cool, I think this is working …  baby eaters, centaurs, car thieves, hermaphrodites….

Boys

Being the mother of 3 teenaged boys, I am always learning new things that in my wildest dreams never occurred to me.  Hearing about Menstrual Art as mentioned in a previous blog is just one of them (Thank you again Alex. I have yet to work up the mommy balls to google that).  

Recently, my youngest son introduced me to another new boy dealio.

 Each day when my kids get home, I try to do the whole good mom thing & ask my kids “What was the best part of your day?”  I admit, sometimes I slip up and ask “What’s your homework?” before the front door closes. I know, I know send me to bad mom jail.  But on the day I speak of regarding my youngest son, I was being good mom and asked all 3 of my home kids (one is away at college) “What was the best part of your day?”, but I decided to change it up a teense and threw in “any drama?” attached to that question.

Good Gawd! Youngest son (14 y.o.) SHOT his hand in the air (side effect of living in a big family & going to public schools) and yelled (without me calling on him) “Oh MY GOD MOM, YES! I had some drama today! I got a NRB in social studies and we had a substitute teacher and of all the people in the whole class, she asked ME to go turn the fucking lights out so we could watch a video! (Sorry profanities another side effect of public schools, big families & bad mom, never mind).

Second son (16 y.o.) replies with “Oh dude, no worries, that shit happens to me all the time, don’t worry about it.” I finally asked (without raising my hand) “What the hell is a NRB?” Youngest son says “A No Reason Boner.” 

My daughter threw her hands up & said “I’m OUT!”  I just beamed with pride since my revised good mom question opened such a sophisticated dialogue. 

<3 you Myles & your awesome candor! You are so cool!

Shoppers vs. non Shoppers

I took my 12 year old daughter shopping over the weekend to spend her birthday money. Hot Topic is one of her favorite stores and one of my least favorite. I always feel out of place due to my lack of facial piercings and abundance of facial wrinkles.

My daughter has always been a shopper. I have never been a shopper. I’m a get in, get your shit and go kind of girl.  My daughter had warned me on the 45 minute drive to the mall to not point things out that I like (especially pink things) because that gets on her nerves. Aw, thank you sweetie, I will ponder that advice right after I merge on to the free way next to these two fucking 18 wheelers, or better yet, lets TEXT about it right now!

She was already a little bent out of shape because she had found a pair of jeans ONLY available online at Hot Topic & not available in the stores.

When we walked in, we immediately set off the store alarm which believe it or not was louder than the music blasting through the store and was making my chest do that weird vibration dealio.  All pierced eyes shot to me including my (so far un pierced) girl who looked at me like I had a bomb strapped to my body & was on the verge of saying “Help me, this isn’t my mom, call 911”.   Freaking traitor.

I froze waiting for the swat team to move in while the clerk with a bull ring (think it’s called a septum piercing because its cooler when it's anatomically named) asked to see my bag (which came from the super cool accessory store that I’m thinking about trying to hide in after they close & just live in-sheesh, I digress). I practically threw my bag at Bull Ring-Take it! Take it! I know my shirt isn’t black, and the only holes in my face are just giant pores & would never pass for piercings, but I swear I’m a good guy! I come in peace!

Bull Ring found and removed some secret alarm dealio in the tag of a scarf that we had purchased at the black tar accessory store for Addie’s favorite teacher. Whew, I do NOT want to be on the Hot Topic do not shop list.

Then the shopping begins. If I liked it, my daughter hated it. I learned in short order NOT to respond if she asked my opinion.

My girl found her skinny black & red plaid online only jeans hanging on a tippy top rack, died & asked “Aren’t these COOL?” Uh, yeah if you’re fucking Braveheart or need to re-upholster your bag pipe.   Please dear God let them have her size.   I just said “Wow!” and that worked-Yay! They had her size-so score one!

Then she wanted a belt. Upon hearing THAT, I thought Thank God, this will be easy squeezy.  But, my girl spent half an hour looking & trying on belts alone! They were ALL the same except the color & size! I tried to explain to her that the sizes were actually written on the inside of the belts, so if we could figure out HER size, we could narrow down our search.  OMG..no no no! I would have been better off suggesting a pink tutu and blunt bangs. Bite tongue to keep mouth shut.
 It  turned into: Trying EVERY belt on, realizing after 10 minutes that trying belts on OVER the belt she had on might not be a good idea, taking own belt off (which was so fat that it took 5 minutes to unlace from each belt loop & ripped off the neon green duct tape that held old belt together), drop old belt on floor, pick up a pile of jeans that a lady next to us knocked off a clearance shelf after stepping on old belt, realizing the new belt that she likes and actually fit & finally decided to buy had a little bit of paint chipped off one of the cheap plastic studs.   Hey Bull Ring-Where do you keep the fucking tongue gauges because I think I can use one now? I prefer pink with glitter & shit.  Try to explain to my daughter that I can totally fix the chipped paint on the shitty belt with a sharpie & a little tempera paint & I will totally buy the fucker myself if we can get the hell out of this store.

We then go to Forever 21 for more jeans. Walk the entire store with chest music blasting on both levels looking for the elusive table of skinnies for $9.50 (that everyone wears). We finally find them near one of the obscure entrances that nobody uses. I do a happy dance- I mean a need to pee dance (after 2 1/2 hours of kilt jeans & shitty belt shopping) & I accidentally step outside the god damned alarm pillars. My kid looks me dead in the eyes & takes off running (kidding). She just yelled “Oh My GOD MOM WHAT THE?!” Being a lady of grace, I kept my cool and simply asked the mall swat team where I could find the earDRUM gauges, particularly the sparkly pink ones.

<3 you Birdie! It was a fun day.  

Music, Kids & Moms

Having 3 teenagers and one tween, my music listening mostly leans toward top 40.  I like to believe that I’m open minded when it comes to music, BUT today in the car I was actually laughing out loud over Bruno Mars’ new song Grenade. I immediately came home & looked up the lyrics because I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

Please note that I like Bruno Mars. I love his ft dealio on Billionaire as well as his Just the Way You Are song.  Both songs are cute to me. But this Grenade song is so pathetic it’s funny.   

I like the melody & always sing along to it, but today I found myself mentally replying as if one of my sons were actually singing this shit.

It went a little something like this:

Bruno or Myles/Blake: “I’d catch a grenade for ya” ♫

Me: “WTF? That’s what they call ugly skanks on Jersey Shore. I thought I raised you better than that.”

Bruno or Myles/Blake: “Throw my hand on a blade for ya” ♪

Me:  “Great! You’re a fucking cutter now? Couldn’t you choose a more masculine form of self mutilation like wall punching or eyeball tattoos?”

Bruno or Myles/Blake: “I’d jump in front of a train for ya” ♫

Me: “Jesus Christ! If I was your girlfriend & you said that shit to me, I would jump in front of a fucking train myself.”

Bruno or Myles/Blake: I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain. ♪

Me:  “Oh come ON drama queen! Based on your previous comments, I’m pretty sure you’re mentally challenged enough, no need for brain bullets.”

Bruno or Myles/Blake:  “Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from.” ♫

Me: *giant exhale* For God’s sake, grow a pair & dump that skank before your mother starts tossing grenades.

Thank you Bruno Mars for helping me illustrate everything I DON'T want my boys to be you wuss! ♫

Movie

So I went to see Black Swan today. This is not a spoiler post at all.  I’m way too shallow to be a movie critic.  I went to see it for a few reasons.  First: Princess Amidala carries the lead role-so duh.  Second: It’s been nominated for several awards- Golden Globes etc. (again, I’m shallow like that) and Third:  I only personally know 2 people who have seen it & they both happen to be among my favorite people-My bro in-law who is a prof of soc pscyh & my oldest son (who will probably be a prof of something involving string or entanglement or giant telescopes……ouchie my head hurts)..Anyway, they both had the SAME response when I asked them if they liked the movie. BOTH gentlemen replied with a giant pregnant pause, an audible eyebrow raise & an uncomfortable moment to think, and said  variations of “Well... it was different and intense.” Neither could say “yes” or “no”.

Immediately I WAS IN! So, if you see me, PLEASE ask me if I liked this movie, cuz I TOTALLY want to do the whole super cool weird pondering pause TOO! That's the main reason I went.

Blog Followers

I'm new at this whole blogging thing, so I asked my sons to follow it.  I think having "followers" is how you measure the whole thing (which I think I have 4).  Anyway, my youngest son said "sure" while I talked him through step by step on how to follow the blog while he was sexting or some some shit on his phone.  My middle son also said "sure" and proceeded to post the blog link on his Facebook along with an endearing little editorial-which earned him GIGANTIC son points since he of all people knows that I am not above throwing he & his siblings under the bus if I think others will find it amusing. My OLDEST son (who was respectfully asked by me via email to please follow my new blog) replied via email with (verbatim): "Hahaha Mom, I bookmarked your blog, & will try to check it now & then, but following your blog would probably get me beat up. I noticed that your blog background does looks a bit like Menstrual Art."  What the Fuck? THANK YOU Alexander! I believe I was a better person prior to that little tidbit of messed up knowledge...SHIT! I will be changing this blog background very soon. 

New Driver in Hambyland

So my 16.75 year old finally got his driver’s license over the holidays. We don’t have driver’s education in AZ, so it was entirely up to his dad to teach him how to drive. This 2^nd born child of mine is the sweetest, kindest and most gentle child you can imagine.  He is also very intelligent-he’s one of those 4 point O-ers.   But he is also one of those all night gamers who survives on Hot Pockets, Cheez Its & Big K Cola & doesn’t  look both ways before crossing the street.

I am very proud of him for passing his driver’s test (mandatory road test/parallel parking dealio). However, the last 8 months of Hambyland Driving School almost made him the product of a broken family. Fortunately I have compiled a few basic rules for teaching your kid to drive.  I have listed them below.

1.      Don’t.

2.       If you have no choice, make sure they at least know how to ride a bike.

3.      Do NOT fall into the trap of thinking that if you buy your kid a car when he is 15 off of Craig’s list, that the magic car fairy will bestow special driving powers on him.

4.      Air Fresheners, key chains and other cool car shit doesn’t summon the car fairy either.

5.      When your spouse (aka driving teacher) says “Man, we have a long way to go- he didn’t even see a dude trying to cross the street today, maybe YOU should take him out driving.” Shoot yourself in the face.

6.       When your spouse says  “Ok, we are going to the DMV today to take the test because his permit expires in a couple days” and “Son, do you want me to drive us to the DMV so you don’t get tired on the way?” Shoot self in face again. (I do not think those 2 comments should exist in the same time zone, let alone spew from the teacher's mouth without even a breath in between.)

7.      Implying to the teacher (the dad) that the student (the kid) might not quite be ready to take the test even if his permit is going to expire soon, is the equivalent of saying “I think you are a girl” straight to your husband's face and requires several divorce attorneys on your speed dial.

8.      Always remember that you might get lucky like we did.  Our kid passed on the 1^st try! Good Job Blake & John! And my apologies for doubting you guys!

One of My Biggest Mistakes of 2010

Last year I made the mistake of going to the grocery store late morning on Senior Citizen's day (1st Weds of every month).

I didn't get to the store until 10:30 due to a pukey girl at home.  OMG! I will NEVER EVER do THAT AGAIN!  I barely found a parking spot. Had to park a mile away.  Ok, no biggy, I'm thinking 'I'm not technically a senior & they should park closer plus the savings I can make today is certainly worth a little walk since I am cheating & using my husband's senior VIP card.
My normal silver headed greeter said his usual "how ya doing" thing and then says "You're surely not a senior." So I explained that my husband was blah blah blah & that I would be soon.  Again, no biggy & sort of sweet.  Well...then I started my shopping.  Holy shit. The store was PACKED! 

The first thing I go for is chap stick & see right out of the gate the "stalled out shoppers".  BAM! Carts & scooters & people separated from their carts & scooters everywhere just frozen in place in the middle of main aisles consulting lists or studying shit on the shelves. It felt like I was in a science fiction movie with "FREEZE GUNS!"  I'm thinking 'Oh man this shopping trip is going to take me all day!
I proceed to get my dairy stuff & paper items & head to the meat section.  Good God, I think I had a small anxiety attack.  I have NEVER seen that many people crunched up in a grocery store in my life.  I go ahead & get in LINE to get my freaking hamburger (taco night in Hambyland) and a woman in her 30's kind of blocked me accidentally, but immediately says "Oh I am so sorry" and under her breath says "I forgot it was the 1st Weds. of the month."  Of course I couldn't reply to that since I am a senior citizen cheater, so I just shook my head & said "No worries" while pondering Pizza Hut for dinner. 

I get  my stuff & then notice a large frenzy of people around the END of the meat section and I immediately KNEW that it must be some awesome kick ass deal over THERE! Well, it turns out that it was "buy one get one free ROAST day"  Well I decided that TODAY I was going to get us some roasts even if I had to wait an hour because I had heard of these mystical buy one get one roast days, but thought they were legends.

So I get in line AGAIN.  You couldn't even see the roasts in the separate special holy grail of meat bins.  It was just a solid mass of old people with wrinkled brows & flying arms that took FOREVER inspecting each & every single roast while trying to choose their 2.
   
Finally a slot to the feeding trough opened, so I simply turned my head to move my cart out of the way & I SWEAR an old lady freaking CUT right in front of me & started pilfering like a shark in a chum pool!  She looked me dead in the eyes like I was some sort of undeserving interloper. 
I was SHOCKED!  I almost said something, but my senior guilt prevented it since I was shopping on my husband's card etc.
  
I finally got in & just grabbed the 1st two roasts that I could before the old people decided to eat me.  Of course everyone in line shot me the evil eye like I had just found Publisher's Clearing House checks or Liberty Medical coupons buried in that shit.  I only took their crappy roast backwash , but they were just sure I had found the best ones!!!  I am NOT kidding, every single head turned to look at what I had just picked up...sheesh.

I get to the spice & baking aisle, which always cracks me up because it's the smallest aisle in the entire store, which on Senior Day is AWESOME-not stereo typing, but old people LOVE the baking aisle (ok I am stereo typing).  But I had to get some taco seasoning (taco night remember).  It was jammed packed with the freeze gun people AGAIN! DAMNIT!   I turned to a woman near an abandoned ghost cart & she says "I don't even know who THIS cart belongs to."  I just moved that fucker myself.  Didn't say a word. 

The last item I needed was a deli sandwich because Addie (sick girl at home) had asked for one.  Again, crowded &  blocked up frozen people contemplating the price per pound for cole slaw & 3 bean salad or some shit blah blah blah.  I get to the pre-made sandwich section & admittedly at this point I am clearly off my game, so I made the stupid mistake of bending down & turning my back on my shopping cart to pick up Addie's sick girl sandwich and RIGHT then an old woman taps me on the shoulder & says "You better watch your purse HONEY or someone will steal it."  OMG! Are you fucking kidding me?  Mentally I started  screaming "GO TO HELL!   I just came from the ROAST PIT! Worry about your OWN god damned purse WOMAN! And where do they keep the fucking FREEZE GUNS?"   She meant no harm...but shit! I simply said "thank you" but I pretty much hate her guts & secretly hoped the adult diaper aisle was blocked with "caution wet floor" signs & abandoned scooters.  (I know, burning in hell for that).

I eventually made it to the check out lines.  They of course were packed 5 -6 people deep in EVERY single one. I just relaxed, took a deep breath & reached around some frozen people in line & got a bottle of water without saying "excuse me" & drank it while waiting. 

Holidays are officially over

The kids are back to school, the hubby is back to work & the house is completely silent for the 1st time since 12-17. After several games of Bejeweled Blitz & way more than several games of Zuma Blitz (my new FB obsession/addiction in which I have a score of over 200K & had nightmares about last night) I decided to try out blogging. Blogging seems a little creepy to me, but I can't imagine it causing nightmares about giant frogs with eyelashes & colored balls shooting out of their mouths crawling all over my house.  Nothing like a new addiction to start the new year off with I say.